What a lark to be myself

Dear Internet,

I don't know why I'm even typing this but I stumbled upon my old blog after such a long absence. I do not intend to maintain it but I do wish to make my first post in roughly three years. It's quite strange to look back on "dramatic" periods of my life which I now consider rather mundane. Such is life. Such is the passing of time.

My name is Joel. I am 19 years of age, soon to be 20 years of age. I have a steady job which allows me small luxuries in life. I have a steady partner who I love. I no longer consider myself to have a turbulent life. In many ways I have mellowed and grown old and in other ways I am still the child who began this blog seven years ago as an outlet for all the demons and agonies of an adolescent growing up in, what he deemed to be, a cruel and unjust world.

I won't lie to my beloved Internet. I can't with honesty say that I'm much different. I see the world in a more adult-like light but like everyone else with my predisposition I tend to fall beneath the crests. If I had to say what the biggest difference in my life would be - it would be that I have a security and stability my former self lacked. The most bizarre thing, I find, is that when I started this blog I had all those delusions of youth that people actually cared about what I thought. I was content to receive a couple of replies on my posts when they were originally uploaded on MySpace (this blog was originally intended to be an archive for my previous blog posts when I deleted the aforementioned website). With this in mind, it seems fitting that the majority of these were not even aimed at anyone reading in particular. They have always been for myself only whether I realised it then or not. I have always found writing cathartic. Despite not being good at the technicalities of writing, I like to think that I have an interesting narrative and a colourful vocabulary.

I know that the theme of this blog entry has been adulthood and maturity so it would be an interesting time to note that this blog was originally titled "Innocence Moratorium". I had taken the idea from an album (a damn good one, too) and it roughly conveys an idea coined by a Japanese psychologist. The muzai moratorium refers to young adults in Japan who refuse to take control of their lives and grow up. I would like to believe that I am finally at a stage in life that I can renounce my own moratorium on innocence.

As ever, this entry has been filled to the brim with incomplete thoughts and stunted ideas. I would hope this post is the most mature thing I have managed to vomit in the past seven years. I would also hope that were I to return to this again in another three years I would be able to laugh off the naivete of a twenty year old as I can do now.

Yours sincerely,

Joel.

眩暈-vertigo-

I absolutely adore Chihiro Onitsuka's song "Memai". It seriously is the warmest love song I've ever heard and I tried translating it, so I'd like to share it with you~.

Hey, is it possible for me to fake a smile,
When I get terrified by the nights I remember?
Hey, whilst I'm laid in your lap, praying the devil won't come,
Tell me everything is all right,

Because somehow you strongly, strongly believe in me.

Your arms, your voice, your back is all here as rain pours down on my parched earth.
I can't escape, because you'd come from anywhere
And just knowing that, I want to cry... just knowing that...

This road will cruelly continue and if I was turned into a stone...
With those hands, I'd want you to thrust me into the flame

So that anything that's in the way would disappear, let me remain rubbish.

Your arms, your voice, your back is all here, stirring up my dulled intentions.
I don't want to realize it, but... how far must I force myself to run

So that I may be able to catch up with the me who is shaking free from myself?

The pretty words I could make you hear can't even be found,
So before you cry out to me becoming subservient, don't be kind to me...

Your arms, your voice, your back is all here as rain pours down on my parched earth.
I can't escape, because you'd come from anywhere
And just knowing that, I want to cry... just knowing that...

Your arms, your voice, your back are all here...
Your arms, your voice and your back are all here.

Maybe it's time I blogged something!

Hey, so seeing as there has been a tremendous lag in my bloggin, I'll just keep it brief for now.

This weekend I'm looking into colleges for definite. Sound good to you? Sounds good to me. Other than that there's nothing new to update on. Haha.
I'm also going to actually attempt to get a job, so I plan on distancing myself from spending 458973498573249874298 hours on the internet. I'm going for it now at full speed, wish me the greatest luck please!

Thank you to those who've stuck by me, I'll repay you one day, somehow. ^o^

雪月花

The truth is, I've been so unproductive recently despite my previous convictions. It's not good at all.

Well, I've decided I've gotta make priorities. I've been moping thinking everything will come to me. It won't. We are the only people who can move ahead in our lives and we choose to either squander our time or live pro-actively. I have definitely been doing the former, but no more!

My first step is to look into colleges. That's the major one. I need my education regardless how hard it will be.

1. Education
2. Work

Doesn't that seem better? Haha. It's insane how quickly time flies when you're content with living miserably. I need to get myself sorted.

I've got everything in my hands,

If I don't move then I won't go anywhere

I've got everything in my hands,

But if I don't start it, it'll never start. 
-Fly high, Hamasaki Ayumi

I believe we aren't fully in control of our future, but we can do all we can for the present so we can achieve our goals, right? I can't go on feeling sorry for myself for the rest of my life. 

Music

Hi! Currently teaching myself how to play Don Mclean's American Pie. Please look it up! :D

Together translation

Hi! I just got done translating a song, it's still not perfect, but I think it's okay...

So, this song is called "Together" and it's really gorgeous, it was the first song alan composed and was on her debut album Voice of EARTH as a first press bonus (I think?).
I was listening to the song and I noticed I could pick out pieces of the song and understand them (much like her song Sakura Modern)... Soooo I looked up the lyrics and decided I'd try to translate the entire song and here it is:

Together - alan

Lyrics: Miki Matsui

Composition: alan

Arrangement: Yuta Nakano

To live with you, to sleep with you,
Everything that's here, I wrap it all up,
Love and dreams overflow and lead my way.

Of course, I've realized:
There has to be something important here.

We don't need such words,
When I only want to protect you,
Because, the past, the present and tomorrow,
Are certainly glowing in my breast.

The waves, the wind, the sky and even now...

This blessed rain is falling,
On the dry earth,

With you... 

Kanji:

君と生きる　君と眠る
ここにある　全てを包み込んで
愛と夢　溢れ導いて

大事なもの　あるはず
そう気づいた

言葉などいらない
君を守りたいだけさ
そう　過去も今も明日も　この胸で
輝くから

波よ風よ　空よ今も

乾いてく大地に
恵みの雨を降らして

君と…

If you notice all the errors, correct me! ;) 

錯乱 (Confusion)

When I titled this blog entry "錯乱" or "Confusion", it was purely due to it being the song currently playing, but it ties in quite well with this post.

Ringo Shiina. Alan. Ai Otsuka. Chihiro Onitsuka. Gackt. Shakira. Hikaru Utada. Regina Spektor.

What do all of these artist have in common? Other than them being singers, they're all also songwriters. I listen to so much music which is created by this type of person and it struck me as odd. I'm attracted to artists who create their own songs and play instruments, yet I'm currently not playing myself? So odd.

I've been wanting to blog for quite some time, but I've had nothing to talk about until now.

Well, my topic for today is music and instruments! Until a few years ago, I used to play guitar, but due to lack of interest and lack of willpower I stopped, but listening to the music I do made me think. I can't sing, my lyrics aren't good and I can't compose. So, before you start thinking that I want to be a songwriter, that's not an option!

You could say I've been "inspired" finally. Sometime this week I'm going to resume the guitar and aim for proficiency. So, wish me luck!

This leads me to another subject. Currently I'm half-heartedly searching for a job, but this week is going to be my last week of laziness! I'm going to start job-searching in earnest.

I'm going to end it there with these lyrics:

If you only look,

It will never be in reach,

If you only look,

It will never be yours

-Catcher In The Light, Ayumi Hamasaki

alan's first concert -voice of you-

alan is relatively new to the Japanese music scene, debuting in 2007 with the powerful ballad 明日への賛歌 (Ashita e no Sanka/A Hymn for Tomorrow) and recently had a three night concert tour. She's known for her traditional Tibetan wailing and her vocals are some of the best Japan has had in a long time.

I just watched the TV version of her concert, which aired on WOWOW yesterday an it was fantastic!

01 天女～interlude～ (Goddess～Interlude～)

02 群青の谷 (Ultramarine Valley)

03 Swear

04 BALLAD ～名もなき恋のうた～ (BALLAD ～Nameless Love Song～)

05 明日への賛歌 (A Hymn for Tomorrow)

06 幸せの鐘 (Bells of Happiness)

07 久遠の河 (River of Eternity)

08 心・戦 ～RED CLIFF～ (Heart-War ～RED CLIFF～)

09 絆 [ehru] (Bonds)

10 恵みの雨 (Blessed Rain)

11 Together 

12 Diamond

(DVD track listing is much longer)

The first part of the concert is just a video which introduces her singles which in order are:

明日への賛歌 (A Hymn for Tomorrow)

ひとつ (One)

懐かしい未来 ～longing future～ (Longing Future)

空唄 (Sky Song)

風の手紙 (The Wind's Letter)

RED CLIFF ～心・線～ (Heart-War)

恵みの雨 (Blessed Rain)

群青の谷 (Ultramarine Valley)

久遠の河 (River of Eternity)

BALLAD ～名もなき恋のうた～ (Nameless Love Song)

Swear

Diamond 

The first song, tennyo opens with alan singing Tibetan behind a curtain which has stuff projected onto it, her singing is great and tennyo, being the first song on her debut album, is the ideal song to start off the concert. When the screen lifts we can see that she's wearing a white frilly dress (I would include pictures, but I'm incredibly lazy). :\

After tennyo she sings the fan favourite Gunjou. In the middle of the song, she throws off the white dress coat (which is quite awkward, but oh well) to reveal a sparkly outfit. Reminds me of a rock star. ;)

In this she also sings Swear and BALLAD. She nailed BALLAD and Swear is a perfect crowd warmer.

The next outfit is a traditional Tibetan outfit and is gorgeous. Her vocals for Ashita are flawless (to me at least) and her wailing is strong! Shiawase was great and for once didn't bore me, in fact it sent shivers down my spine. XD

When the lights come back up, we hear the epic sounds of the orchestra playing Kuon, which is in fact her best selling song in Japan. She sung it well and the outfit was a fuschia dress with a pink flower in her hair. XD

Her next song was the Chinese version of RED CLIFF. Her wail in the middle was quite good actually. :D

She sat for the next song as it was her playing her ehru. I love to see alan play the ehru. :)

Megumi is next and alan actually comes close to crying, which in turn made me come close to crying! Her voice is so gorgeous even when crying. DX

The encore songs are next and she performs in a white outfit with fluffy boots and a beanie hat. XD

She sung her self-composed masterpiece "Together" and her most recent song Diamond. Diamond was great live, far better than the TV performances. :D

That was...my speedy review! XD

Hopefully I'll be able to get the DVD soon! :D

No news yet

For once, the title of this blog is quite true. I have absolutely nothing to report! On Monday, I'm going to start in earnest looking for a job.
As I'm no longer in college for the time being, I guess this means I'll be able to search for jobs in a wider region! Wish me luck, kay?

Maybe I should post something interesting to read, huh. I have nothing! Haha. Damn, this sucks. Normally I can talk and talk forever.

Recently, one of my friends, Sarah, sent me a package! ^^
I'm actually amazed at how juvenile that sentence sounds...how can I sound so matureeeee?! Okay, this blog isn't even making any sense to me either.

Ayu's album STILL hasn't been announced! What the hell are Avex trying to pull? I'm glad she's not rushing, but, like everyone else, I'm getting impatient for the slightest bit of news. Isn't it strange to announce a tour before an album? I'm so anxious! D:
It was nice of her to send Mao a signed copy of Yw/B...

I'm listening to Tokyo Incidents' new album: Sports! It's quite good. It's a step up from their last album~!

All right, I'm really running out of things to say...so I guess I'll leave it at that. ;)

An important announcement...

I know that this will eventually be posted to facebook, which is the reason I'm making the announcement here in hopes that people will be able to see it.

I feel that an explanation of my actions is in order. I make no excuses, these past few months have been rough due to my own stupidity and I am finally taking my life into my own hands. Anyone who knows me in real life should know what I am like and how I think and I sincerely hope that they will take that into consideration as I do my best to explain myself.

Firstly, the situation with college. So far I have only informed a handful of people on my decision and by posting this I am making an effort to combat any rumours which may have cropped up. As a temporary measure, until I can steady myself I have withdrawn from college. Please do not misunderstand, I am not giving up. I will be resuming college in the autumn when I have had time to centre my thoughts.
This is definitely not a rash move. I have thought it over in great detail and I have spoken with my parents several times regarding my dissatisfaction with my studies.
During the time between now and September I am going to do my utmost to get a job so that I am not stuck doing nothing at all.

Now, I understand how some people will react to this, but I have to reinforce that I have thought about this in depth and there is no persuading my otherwise. This is not a permanent move at all.
I realize this is going to make things a little harder for me, but I am treating this as a clean slate and I am definitely not taking things for granted. To tell the truth, at first I was very ashamed of myself for making this move, but I have realized it is in the best interests of my mental health to take some time out to ground myself.

If you have any questions then I really would rather you come to me first instead of relying on hearsay and rumours and although I know this will affect certain relationships, I sincerely hope that it does not damage them beyond repair.

Thank you for reading and I am truly sorry for any complications the situation may have caused.

BoA - IDENTITY review

BoA's seventh original Japanese album leaked a while ago, so I'm going to review it. Initially I was impressed that BoA had produced this album herself, but as only a casual listener I was left sorely disappointed.
It's sad to say, but this album has little if any replay value. I enjoyed less than half the songs.

01. This Is Who I Am
lyrics & music: BoA
There's not much to say, starts off okay and then the repetitiveness at the end really ruins it and annoys me.

02. EASY
lyrics & music: BoA
This starts annoying, but the melody is quite good. This song could have been great if she wasn't singing as if she was dead. Nice tune, bad vocals. People said about alan's my life that her vocals made it sound as they were bored. They need to check out this track. It IS a shame though because it could have been so nice to listen to.

03. BUMP BUMP! feat.VERBAL
lyrics & music: VERBAL
Despite this being released as a single, I still haven't heard it. So far this is the first decent song, but it gets old quite fast. The saxophone is quite pleasing to the ear, but it isn't enough to make me want to listen to the end.

04. LAZER
lyrics & music: VERBAL
The second VERBAL track of this album! It sounds quite good and the laser effects are pretty neat. Her vocals in this song are nice and the chorus is okay. This is the second good song of the album and the first of the album tracks. Although my one complaint about this song is her English isn't as good as it should be considering she debuted in the States not long ago. The song is overall pretty sick!

05. interlude #1
A newcomer to the interlude bandwagon it seems. This one features footsteps and then the slamming of a door. Uninteresting although it's something you'd expect to find on Namie Amuro's Sweet Nineteen Blues. Lame.

06. is this love
lyrics & music: 川口大輔
A ballad! Her vocals are okay if not a little on the bored song. I HATE the percussion in this song. This track made me lose hope for the album a little.The chorus isn't redeeming the song and there is no hook. Her vocals aren't enough to keep me interested.

07. まもりたい ～White Wishes～
lyrics: MIZUE music: 山口広尾
Finally! A song that is worthy enough. I've loved White Wishes ever since its release and it is the song which got me listening to BoA again. The music is good, the vocals are good, the hook is there. This song is fantastic, her best song for a long time. It's sad to say that this is the only song so far I've fallen in love with.

08. interlude #2
Camera sounds. Boring.

09. ネコラブ
lyrics BoA music: U-key zone
Another good track! The repetition of B O A is catchy rather than being annoying and her vocals are quite good. I'm not sure it has playback value, but in terms of this album it's great. I bet it's fun to sing karaoke to!

10. THE END そして and... (album ver.)
lyrics & music: BoA
So, this was on White Wishes' single and I didn't pay attention to it then. I'm not going to pay much attention to it now either. Whilst her vocals are quite nice the song itself is boring and bland like a lot of the tracks on this album so far. Her English is okay but there's nothing that is keeping me listening.

11. Possibility duet with 三浦大知
lyrics & music: nao'ymt
Another duet! The music has an oriental edge to it which I like.  Her vocals are interesting here and the song is a good ballad! When you see the composer, you realize why this track is so nice.

12. Fallin'
lyrics & music: BoA
This song initially reminds me of White Wishes, but it makes me wonder "Does it share the greatness?"
The song is actually quite good! I love the electronic theme mixed with organic instruments. Her English gets better with each track.

13. my all
lyrics: BoA music: 川口大輔
The final track is yet another ballad. Not surprisingly it manages to be just as boring as most of the other ballads on this album. Her vocals are quite good as the music allows us to focus on them. I'm disappointed though.

Final opinion:
This album is okay the most. I was left feeling disappointed by the poorly made tracks which were, in my opinion, not good enough to be album tracks and come across as fillers. Whilst BoA worked hard on this album, it makes me sad that her effort didn't pay off. I hope that if she produces her next album that she improves dramatically.

Highlights:
- The album artist is good.
- I enjoyed ネコラブ, まもりたい ～White Wishes～, Possibility and Fallin'.

Lowlights:
- Poor use of interludes, they came across as redundant.
- Poor track quality.

Best ballad: まもりたい ～White Wishes～
Best upbeat: ネコラブ

chatmonchy and mental update

I was drawn back to blogging by some mysterious force actually that isn't far off from the truth.
A few weeks ago I wrote an entry which is still in my drafts full of my usual self-deprecating babble, but as soon as I got close to finishing it I gave up.

Who wants to read such nonsense when there's already enough unhappiness in this world? I don't know about it, but I'm finally sick of being sick (do you like what I did there? ^_-)

I've recently been trying to discover new music and I've been so far successful!

By far my favourite is チャットモンチー (chatmonchy) who are a Japanese rock band. It's actually kinda cool because all their members are female. ^o^
The genre, I guess, is rock and it's very good. Sure there's the typical cute voice, but it's actually carried of VERY well in this band.
In addition to chatmonchy, I've also been listening to the Chinese rock-band Cherry Boom and folk Sa Dingding. Both are quite good.

I'm still hung up on Chihiro Onitsuka though!

For the quick mental update...well, I've decided suddenly that it's not necessary. I find my state of mind incredibly mundane, so I have no reason to believe you guys are any more interested. All that needs to be known is that I'm doing good!

I hope you all are too. :)

Lyrics of the now:

私とワルツを - 鬼束ちひろ
(atashi to waltz o - onitsuka chihiro)

"Don't dance your own,
Just because you're afraid to hurt someone,
Please, waltz with me."

Even though they aren't my words, Onichii is definitely saying them for me and many others. ^^

Take care everybody! I'm glad to be blogging again. ^_-

The Opening of a New Year

We've survived another year and more importantly another decade.
I've thought long and hard about myself, who I am, what I need to do and I've still not come to clear conclusions. The only thing I've realized is that it's fruitless to carry on traditions that never worked in the past. I won't promise myself things I can't achieve. I won't promise my friends things I can't give.
This year, 2010, it's time for me to be completely honest with myself.

Honestly, what I want the most from this year is the happiness of my friends. Last year I joined a forum and since joining I've met so many great people who I've come to be friends with, who I've come to trust. It's crazy how quickly people gain your confidence and love, isn't it?
But I digress. This happiness I'm wishing isn't just for my friends. I've been friends with people I've hurt in ways I'll never do again. I've been friends with people who've hurt me in a way I'll never allow again. But even then, I'm wishing for a future not where I can join these people again in friendship, but one without conflict. I have a good feeling from this year and I'll do my utmost to help.

2009 was a terrible year for me, there's no denying it but I'm not the Joel from January 2009, I'm not the Joel from March 2009, I'm not even the Joel from December 2009. Being human means we have to change for better, or for worse.

I'm going to keep changing, and so are my friends. Who knows what this year will hold. I know for a fact it won't be easy. I know for a fact there'll be times we want to give up. I know for a fact there'll be times when we're hurt. I know for a fact there's always a tomorrow.

I'm not wanting you to quit smoking. I'm not wanting you to lose 5 lbs, I'm not wanting you to start working out.
All I want is for you to be happy. All I want is for you to be true to yourself, that's all that's important. You can lie to me, but as long as you know the truth then I don't care.

Here's to not a year free from pain, but a year filled with happiness.

I love you all! Thanks for reading such a random blog.

PROMiSE translation!

It's been a while, hasn't it!?! Oh my God.

So. I translated MiChi's song 「PROMiSE」 a while ago but never posted it...anywhere. :L

MiChi. She's really good. Her genre is very pop music. Very electronically influenced. From what I gather she's mainly a lyricist, but also a composer? Right? I dunno. She's bilingual too! So I guess this means there's little Engrish...except the PROMiSE part of the song sounds totally like "bromance".
I heard she was compared to Lily Allen, which isn't true at all. I don't think so either. I guess she's British? =D

Okay. Well. Enough of me, eh?!

(Italicised text was already in English! I've left it exactly as it appears in the original Japanese..unless it's horrendous I never correct their grammar.)

All I know is all this started back in 95
In the complete darkness I walked unsteadily my way
I'm searching for answers

Why do humans give up on their dreams?
You'll never know if today is your last,
So take a chance, yeah?
So, think and keep on going your way

GOD, TRUST life and our bodies,*
Trust in your perception
If you got questions, Go on
And keep on asking
LOVE keep giving it out,
Don't be scared of it
CHANCE will keep on coming
Look and grab it!
DANCE just loosen your bodies
Roll up your sleeves and have fun
Don't care what people think
Just keep on freaking with it
LAUGH like you really mean it
And give gratitude for today
Let's start with something, Hey! **

※Everyday is a new page
With this hand write a Story
The Feelings you felt that day,***
Remember them
Before they disappear.
When you feel like crying at night
I'll be with you through it
Don't forget:
Even at the end I'll be With you baby

All I know is someday you'll arrive at your goal****
Sometimes you feel it's impossible, but,
Always Believe in yourself

Every night you worry about tomorrow's problems,
But You know,
Thinking too much just causes anxiety, Hey yeah?
Look upwards and Keep on reaching higher

TRUST, GOD life and our bodies
Trust in your perception
If you got questions, Go on
Keep on asking
LOVE keep giving it out
Don't be scared of it
CHANCE will keep on coming,
Look and grab it!
DANCE just loosen your bodies
Roll up your sleeves and have fun
Don't care about what people think
Just keep on freaking with it
LAUGH like you really mean it
And give thanks for today
Let's begin immediately, Hey!




※ repeat

I won't give up on this PROMiSE
Until I see that smiling face,
I'll keep walking my way 
I won't stop
(I won't stop)
Before they disappear
When you feel like crying at night,
I'll be with you through it
Don't forget
The answer is In you baby

※ repeat

----
Translator's notes:
* When it says "GOD, TRUST --" I'm not sure whether she means God in the list or just as an expletive. I guess with next chorus she means God as in the list? Maybe? Answers on a postcard, huh?
** I translated this really appallingly so I quickly changed it, I don't know who did that part of my translation, but credit goes to JPopAsia.
*** Yes I know it's weird to capitalise feelings in the middle of a sentence but the original Japanese is "あの日のFeelings" and I wanted to keep it as true as possible.
**** I know I said I didn't correct grammar unless it was terrible...but the original English said "to your dream" which makes sense when the rest of that line is in Japanese.

----
Hopefully next week I can translate some more. I've had a week from Hell, but today has been excellent! I'm well happy. ^^

I'll probably post more tomorrow but I won't swear on it! Actually I've wrote this and I feel like writing more. So I'm gonna.

Recently I've been into Chihiro Onitsuka a lot, she's really talented. She composes and writes the lyrics for her entire discography with only a few being re-composed with her past producer. She seems like she's been through a lot and she has a penchant for beautiful and moving lyrics.
My favourite song of hers would be infection and 蛍 (firefly). So pretty!
Most of her songs are ballads with a rock tinge. Very easy on the ears. Her voice is low and deep but has the characteristic nasally quality that Japanese singers have (particularly Yumi Matsutoya interestingly enough).

She's really good. Seriously. Her latest album DOROTHY is fantastic. Go listen. =D

Also! alan's sophomore album came out the other day...well leaked the other day and I managed to listen to it! It's a really good album with lots of electronic pop music on it. There's some REALLY unexpected stuff on there. A lot of people are complaining it sounds generic..but..I disagree! =D

I'll do a proper review this week.

Okay. That's all I have to say! So bye~! :)

Ramblings.

A year consists of 12 months.
A year consists of 52 weeks.

A year consists of 365 days.
A year consists of 8,765 hours.

Isn't it better to take things as they come to you daily? So far this is how I've lived my life. I'm rarely thinking about the future but at the same time it's constantly running through my mind.
It's a burden, eh.

It's staggering to stop and think that I've been alive roughly sixteen years. One hundred and ninety two months. Eight hundred and thirty four weeks. It doesn't even seem like that much but at the same time, can you imagine that?

Ever since September, when I starting college, I've planned to get a job. There's barely any jobs, there's a recession. Of course I should let that stop me, but I'm too inclined to laziness. That's really no good! I have to do my best for not just myself, but everyone I care about!

It's all good and proper me talking about such things, but what am I actually doing? It's time for me to carefully consider my life, consider the direction, consider the possibilities.
That's something I need to do, needed to do. It's something I have done.

Fortunately, I know exactly what I want from the future. But the line between hit and miss is very cutting.

I need the grades AAB. I need an A-level in language. What am I doing about that?

In a way, I've backed myself into a corner, but I'm not going to let everything go without a fight. Isn't that the spirit?!

GCSE German 2009-10
Sign language 2009-10

Sign language isn't particularly useful. I don't know anyone who's deaf any more. But doesn't it sound interesting, talking with your hands? Still, you never know when you need something! Right?
From GCSE German, I'm taking it to AS level. A2 level. That's what I need to do, there's no real choice in that.

「道に迷った時そして
道が遠すぎた時に
ひとりつぶやいていたよ
そんなものだと・・・」
-Who...


---

So, today I took a day off college, I feel really dreadful. Whilst being off, I've thought a considerable amount!
I'm really enjoying life, despite it being tough work with my terrible timing. It's really good. I'm really happy.
I'm actually really ill too. Man flu, huh?
It's a real problem. >_<

Okay. Today whilst thinking, whilst typing the above I decided that tomorrow I must go regardless. No matter what obstacle is thrown in my way, I have to work. I can't give up easily.

"When I hesitated
When I reached the point
Where there was no turning back
And cried, because I was afraid to stop
You said to me:
'What's sad, is that you're giving up.'
By only collecting, displaying and looking
At beautiful things,
And only having pleasant dreams,
Was I just lamenting reality?"
-Naturally

There seems to be lyrics that suit everything.

Oh, I applied for a job, I'm going to apply for more. I will get a job! Watch me, 'kay? ^_^

I try to uphold my promises, yo.

Hey guys~. ^_^

How be you all? :D

I'm feeling much better than when I last blogged, I've relieved myself of a huge weight. Haha.

So, today is the last week of college and then I have a week off!
すごいね？

So, today I watched Ayu's Stadium Tour 2002 in its entirety and even the editing didn't bother me! Ya~y!
I think that her ST02 performances of Free & Easy and HANABI were the absolute BEST. ^_^

That Union Jack dress is really gorgeous, she looks pretty hawt in it, ne? ^_-

Anyway, it's pretty cool!

Ever since I saw BEST FICTION TOUR, I've had the biggest obsession with Namie, she's so good. Which is surprising, before I saw BF, I didn't really like her except for some of the songs, but now I've realised she's REALLY good. I should maybe review her older works I disliked before, eh?

Oh! Also, I managed to snag two CDs from JPS by Hibari Misora, they're sooooo good, I'm really happy that I finally managed to get a studio version of 人生一路. One of my favourite songs~.
Speaking of Hibari-sama, I was able to sleep last night, so I translated two of her songs: 人生一路 and 川の流れのように.
Very badly mind you, I think the one I'm most proud of is Kawano. So I'll share that one with you, it has really touching lyrics...

Unconsciously, we're all walking north, on this long and slender road,
If we turn back, far away, over the distance we can see our homes,
Over this uneven road, over this ever-twisting road,
That not even a map, can tell us the direction of life.

Ah, like the river flowing slowly,
Many eras pass us by,
Ah, like a river flowing endlessly,
The sky is dyed with twilight.

We're living, we're travelling this endless road,
Our loved ones near our side, as we seek our dreams.
Even when the falling rain, makes this road muddy,
Someday, the day will come when all becomes clear once more.

Ah, like the river flowing calmly,
I want to entrust this body,
Ah, like the river flowing, the seasons change,
Whilst the snow waits to thaw.

Ah, like the river flowing calmly,
I want to entrust this body,
Ah, like the river flowing, we can always hear,
The blue stream murmuring.

There, isn't it a beautiful song (if you can see by my bad translating skills). ^_-

Well, there isn't much to share really, but I guess this constitutes as "happy" blog. ^_-

Also, in case you wanted to see, here's Jinsei too~.

"Once you've chosen, you can never change your mind."
This is my philosophy of life.
Don't cry, don't hesitate, and surpass the anguish.
Humans can fulfill their desires.

Endure when the depth of snow buries you.
Wait for when the barley grows in spring.
Even when living exposes you to problems,
A human's disposition will get them through it.

With your heart, embrace the flames,
At full speed, walk your decided path,
Let's begin tomorrow, on life's only path.
The flower's troubles, in the wind they bloom.

See ya later~. ^o^

I'm gonna try blogging more!

My last blog was the 18th of last month, isn't that suuuch a long time ago? XD
It feels like years since I've blogged, but in fact it's only a few weeks.

I've been at college for over a month now, and I do actually enjoy it~, still my mood of late has just been going downhill like a landslide. Haha.
I'm gonna have to work on improving that mood, but I was talking about this with my mum (sorry to jump straight in at the deep end with this!) and she really got me thinking.

I'm the type of person who tries his best to please the greatest number of people as I can before I crash. I've always tried to be that person, even when it takes its toll on me, even though I've said that, I don't regret it. I love helping people with my all, I really do. It's just I never seem to be able to deal with my own problems.

We all have problems with our health, isn't that true? I mean...there's some people who get cancer, some people who get HIV and go on to develop AIDS, some people have arthritis.
I don't know what it's like to be told by a doctor I have cancer.
I don't know what it's like to get back some form of test results and be told the HIV I caught has worsened and I now have AIDS.
I don't know what it feels like to have your joints and bones ache constantly from arthritis.

But at the same time, it's normal to be physically ill, everyone at some point will get ill and as my mum pointed out, almost everyone will become mentally ill.
Whether it's something that stays with you the rest of your life, or something that goes away. It's the norm.

It's a hidden norm.

That's how I feel. Nearly three years ago my life went on a downward spiral, but even though I knew there was something not quite right with me, I just allowed people to let me believe I was lazy and uninspired.
I was ill, and that's something I still have to come to terms with.

This is controversial to say...but in a way...it's easy to deal with a physical illness, people today understand them.
Someone is brave for fighting cancer till the end, whatever that end may be.

How many people are brave for living their day-to-day life with a mental illness? People laugh at schizophrenics today, don't they.
But as my mum said, just because you can't see something is broken, doesn't mean to say it isn't real.

Mental illnesses, in my opinion, are somewhat worse than physical illnesses, in fact...just as I typed "physical" I typed out "real" instead. Even I find it hard to accept sometimes.

I'm not saying that people who deal with physical illnesses aren't brave, they are, incredibly. But there's no stigma to physical illnesses such as cancer.

Three years ago, depression crept up on me, I didn't notice the change, people around me maybe did, but I didn't see it myself. It was just normal for me at that time.
Now today I can sometimes see myself slipping back into that rut and it scares me. It really scares me a lot.

Sometimes I think 'This must be how a cancer patient in remission must feel.'
Then I berate myself, because I'm not "really" ill.

Talking to my mum was an epiphany. I realised that perhaps my depression will come back. It probably will come back. It might even be coming back right this second.
I had therapy for six weeks, which isn't that much, but it did help. But maybe that's not enough? To tell the truth it does scare me, my future scares me.

I don't want to be "crazy".

I can't honestly say I'm any happier than I was yesterday. I can't say I'm happy. But I know that there's things I can do, half the battle is getting help.
Even that isn't much of a comfort to me.

I have family members who I can talk to. I have the best friends in the world. But even that doesn't help me. Only I can help myself.

This blog doesn't make much sense. I'm sorry~! But I needed to get this stuff out of my mind. Haha.

This week, I've missed three days of college. That in itself makes me feel...so guilty. It makes me feel lazy.
But I've realised that I've not been lazy. I'm not making excuses, I've been ill. Just because I'm not coughing or sneezing doesn't make my pain any less real.

There's people far worse off than me and I can't imagine how they feel, I only know how I feel.

「これから始まって行く
私の物語は
不安と希望に満ちてる。」
-Depend on you

Changing 「ふたり」 to 「わたし」 is probably the best thing you could do to those lyrics because even though I have the support of everyone, when it boils down to it, you're the only one who can govern your actions.

I'll finish with some lyrics now, this blog post has dragged on too long already, the next one will be happier! I swear~! :)

「新しいドア明けて知らない場所へ出てしまっから
私は私だと言い切るから
そこがどんな場所でも生き抜いてよ
一生に一度の戦い挑むため。」
-SIGNAL

Long gap!

Hey people! Sorry for the humongous gap. T____T

So, college is going pretty well, I have some homework which I'll do later... I swear! :D

Lately I've been writing a lot, isn't that cool? ^o-

Yeah, I've been experimenting with different lyrical styles and the like. It's actually pretty fun but it hasn't really come into much fruition really. Laaaaaa～me.

Well...I don't actually have that much to report.

Today I FINALLY got pictures of a double decker. Man that was fortuitous. I didn't expect to see one. XD

I'm starting to think that classics is perhaps way better than history, or maybe they're on par with each other.

I'm really boring, aren't I??? Daaaaaamn. ;)

I've really started liking techno stuff lately, it's totally out of character, isn't it? For instance... I've been listening to capsule, MEG and POLYSICS. <3

Oh well. ;D

I found some photos on my phone I somehow DIDN'T upload, shocking isn't it? They're pretty recent actually, look:

Also this one of Baxter that makes me laugh:

Bless him. :)

That's all! For now!

Sleeping Issues

It's four in the morning here, and I'm having a little trouble sleeping! Don't you just hate it when you can't sleep? :\

Well, I haven't really got a lot to share. But the opticians rang me when I was in bed yesterday morning, oops. I'll see 'em Monday, cuz ho～pefully I'm going to pick them up then! :D

Man, I actually feel kinda bad over those, they're really expensive, can someone explain to me when and why glasses got and are so expensive? They're just plastic. >_<
They were like...£80... *gulp*

Anyway! When I woke up on Saturday, my ear was in soo~ much pain. I tried the olive oil and it was okay...but then I noticed some sort of static-sound in my ear. xP
So anyway, when I took out the cotton wool, and went for a bath to wash out the oil. Baaaam!
It currently hurts so bad. Haha.


Basically, I think that my doctor is such an idiot. >_<


When I went as I probably said, he just told me to take ibuprofen for the pain and then soak my ear in warm olive oil.
- He never told me how long to leave in the olive oil.
- He never told me how long I have to use the olive oil.
- He never told me to make another appointment.


I'm seriously pissed out. I think I'm gonna change my GP at some point this year, 'cause his services are really unhelpful. Like he was looking at my file and he was like "Do you have any learning difficulties?"
And I was like... "Huh? What?"
"Well, there's a referral to the child and adolescent unit."


So...I explained HE made that referral over depression and that was sorted. Jeeeeeeze. It comes to something when your doctor doesn't even know himself what he's done/doing. >___<


Pisses me off.


So anyway, yeah he gave my ibuprofen. I'm not meant to take over 6 a day. But man. They aren't even helping with the pain except numbing it a little...
Before I washed out the oil, I took two, and then when I got out of the bath nearly 30 minutes ago, they hadn't even helped...only after taking another two did they kick in. How ridiculous is that?!


Man. If my ear isn't any better tomorrow, I'm definitely going to the ER, cause man. I have college Tuesday and I REFUSE to miss my first few days. >_<


OH! And he never even said what was wrong with my ears... so I don't even know myself. LOL


Ugh. Doctors. >_<

As promised...

(btw...I don't think facebook notes are awesome enough to see the picture of my student ID. ^_-

So click here: http://learningjapaneseishard.blogspot.com)

...Here's a blog! Man, you lucky people!

Okay, so this week has been busy, preparing everything for college, etc.

Optician front: STILL not been rang about my specs, I'll have to call in with the money at some point before Tues. cuz tbh, I really need them for college, I don't want my eyes to diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee! y_y

Which leads on nicely to...COLLEGE. So, I enrolled yesterday...it went pretty well, except I expected to be there no more than three hours. Man was I wrong. We got to town at 10:00 AM, I got home close to 06:00 PM. >_<

Is that not messed up~?!

I think so...anyway. LOL

Sooo I got my schedule sorted...mostly, apparently key skills needs working out cause they FAIL at running the college. LOL

...I got my student ID sorted out...

What was that?

...Nothing...

My student ID is AWFUL. It's worse than my MI card's photo.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ The glorious MI card. >_<

 

 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

My God-awful student ID. I'm having that fucka renewed ASAP. Note: the distance from camera. >_______<

Seriously though, I don't thi___nk I've had a photo as bad as the ID one. T_T

Doesn't it suck? ANYWAY! I got my timetable done there-and-then! D:

ほら～～～！

Yep, it's ALREADY creased. I fail at life. >_<

I'll just wallet-fy it. ^_-

My timetable is this. <<< Clicky the link! ^_^



I think the last of my news is...about my ear, right? My ear is fine apparently, I just need some ibuprofen for the pain (yaaaaaay free ibuprofen!) and then put olive oil in my ear for about a week. Ewww...greasy ear. >_____<

Lame. Anyway that's it for now, I must remember to get a dentist appointment sometime... =\

That's all...bye-bye!

バイバイ！

P.S. the lovely banner is courtesy of the lovely Sakura_Genki of AHS!