The Opening of a New Year

We've survived another year and more importantly another decade.
I've thought long and hard about myself, who I am, what I need to do and I've still not come to clear conclusions. The only thing I've realized is that it's fruitless to carry on traditions that never worked in the past. I won't promise myself things I can't achieve. I won't promise my friends things I can't give.
This year, 2010, it's time for me to be completely honest with myself.

Honestly, what I want the most from this year is the happiness of my friends. Last year I joined a forum and since joining I've met so many great people who I've come to be friends with, who I've come to trust. It's crazy how quickly people gain your confidence and love, isn't it?
But I digress. This happiness I'm wishing isn't just for my friends. I've been friends with people I've hurt in ways I'll never do again. I've been friends with people who've hurt me in a way I'll never allow again. But even then, I'm wishing for a future not where I can join these people again in friendship, but one without conflict. I have a good feeling from this year and I'll do my utmost to help.

2009 was a terrible year for me, there's no denying it but I'm not the Joel from January 2009, I'm not the Joel from March 2009, I'm not even the Joel from December 2009. Being human means we have to change for better, or for worse.

I'm going to keep changing, and so are my friends. Who knows what this year will hold. I know for a fact it won't be easy. I know for a fact there'll be times we want to give up. I know for a fact there'll be times when we're hurt. I know for a fact there's always a tomorrow.

I'm not wanting you to quit smoking. I'm not wanting you to lose 5 lbs, I'm not wanting you to start working out.
All I want is for you to be happy. All I want is for you to be true to yourself, that's all that's important. You can lie to me, but as long as you know the truth then I don't care.

Here's to not a year free from pain, but a year filled with happiness.

I love you all! Thanks for reading such a random blog.

PROMiSE translation!

It's been a while, hasn't it!?! Oh my God.

So. I translated MiChi's song 「PROMiSE」 a while ago but never posted it...anywhere. :L

MiChi. She's really good. Her genre is very pop music. Very electronically influenced. From what I gather she's mainly a lyricist, but also a composer? Right? I dunno. She's bilingual too! So I guess this means there's little Engrish...except the PROMiSE part of the song sounds totally like "bromance".
I heard she was compared to Lily Allen, which isn't true at all. I don't think so either. I guess she's British? =D

Okay. Well. Enough of me, eh?!

(Italicised text was already in English! I've left it exactly as it appears in the original Japanese..unless it's horrendous I never correct their grammar.)

All I know is all this started back in 95
In the complete darkness I walked unsteadily my way
I'm searching for answers

Why do humans give up on their dreams?
You'll never know if today is your last,
So take a chance, yeah?
So, think and keep on going your way

GOD, TRUST life and our bodies,*
Trust in your perception
If you got questions, Go on
And keep on asking
LOVE keep giving it out,
Don't be scared of it
CHANCE will keep on coming
Look and grab it!
DANCE just loosen your bodies
Roll up your sleeves and have fun
Don't care what people think
Just keep on freaking with it
LAUGH like you really mean it
And give gratitude for today
Let's start with something, Hey! **

※Everyday is a new page
With this hand write a Story
The Feelings you felt that day,***
Remember them
Before they disappear.
When you feel like crying at night
I'll be with you through it
Don't forget:
Even at the end I'll be With you baby

All I know is someday you'll arrive at your goal****
Sometimes you feel it's impossible, but,
Always Believe in yourself

Every night you worry about tomorrow's problems,
But You know,
Thinking too much just causes anxiety, Hey yeah?
Look upwards and Keep on reaching higher

TRUST, GOD life and our bodies
Trust in your perception
If you got questions, Go on
Keep on asking
LOVE keep giving it out
Don't be scared of it
CHANCE will keep on coming,
Look and grab it!
DANCE just loosen your bodies
Roll up your sleeves and have fun
Don't care about what people think
Just keep on freaking with it
LAUGH like you really mean it
And give thanks for today
Let's begin immediately, Hey!




※ repeat

I won't give up on this PROMiSE
Until I see that smiling face,
I'll keep walking my way 
I won't stop
(I won't stop)
Before they disappear
When you feel like crying at night,
I'll be with you through it
Don't forget
The answer is In you baby

※ repeat

----
Translator's notes:
* When it says "GOD, TRUST --" I'm not sure whether she means God in the list or just as an expletive. I guess with next chorus she means God as in the list? Maybe? Answers on a postcard, huh?
** I translated this really appallingly so I quickly changed it, I don't know who did that part of my translation, but credit goes to JPopAsia.
*** Yes I know it's weird to capitalise feelings in the middle of a sentence but the original Japanese is "あの日のFeelings" and I wanted to keep it as true as possible.
**** I know I said I didn't correct grammar unless it was terrible...but the original English said "to your dream" which makes sense when the rest of that line is in Japanese.

----
Hopefully next week I can translate some more. I've had a week from Hell, but today has been excellent! I'm well happy. ^^

I'll probably post more tomorrow but I won't swear on it! Actually I've wrote this and I feel like writing more. So I'm gonna.

Recently I've been into Chihiro Onitsuka a lot, she's really talented. She composes and writes the lyrics for her entire discography with only a few being re-composed with her past producer. She seems like she's been through a lot and she has a penchant for beautiful and moving lyrics.
My favourite song of hers would be infection and 蛍 (firefly). So pretty!
Most of her songs are ballads with a rock tinge. Very easy on the ears. Her voice is low and deep but has the characteristic nasally quality that Japanese singers have (particularly Yumi Matsutoya interestingly enough).

She's really good. Seriously. Her latest album DOROTHY is fantastic. Go listen. =D

Also! alan's sophomore album came out the other day...well leaked the other day and I managed to listen to it! It's a really good album with lots of electronic pop music on it. There's some REALLY unexpected stuff on there. A lot of people are complaining it sounds generic..but..I disagree! =D

I'll do a proper review this week.

Okay. That's all I have to say! So bye~! :)

Ramblings.

A year consists of 12 months.
A year consists of 52 weeks.

A year consists of 365 days.
A year consists of 8,765 hours.

Isn't it better to take things as they come to you daily? So far this is how I've lived my life. I'm rarely thinking about the future but at the same time it's constantly running through my mind.
It's a burden, eh.

It's staggering to stop and think that I've been alive roughly sixteen years. One hundred and ninety two months. Eight hundred and thirty four weeks. It doesn't even seem like that much but at the same time, can you imagine that?

Ever since September, when I starting college, I've planned to get a job. There's barely any jobs, there's a recession. Of course I should let that stop me, but I'm too inclined to laziness. That's really no good! I have to do my best for not just myself, but everyone I care about!

It's all good and proper me talking about such things, but what am I actually doing? It's time for me to carefully consider my life, consider the direction, consider the possibilities.
That's something I need to do, needed to do. It's something I have done.

Fortunately, I know exactly what I want from the future. But the line between hit and miss is very cutting.

I need the grades AAB. I need an A-level in language. What am I doing about that?

In a way, I've backed myself into a corner, but I'm not going to let everything go without a fight. Isn't that the spirit?!

GCSE German 2009-10
Sign language 2009-10

Sign language isn't particularly useful. I don't know anyone who's deaf any more. But doesn't it sound interesting, talking with your hands? Still, you never know when you need something! Right?
From GCSE German, I'm taking it to AS level. A2 level. That's what I need to do, there's no real choice in that.

「道に迷った時そして
道が遠すぎた時に
ひとりつぶやいていたよ
そんなものだと・・・」
-Who...


---

So, today I took a day off college, I feel really dreadful. Whilst being off, I've thought a considerable amount!
I'm really enjoying life, despite it being tough work with my terrible timing. It's really good. I'm really happy.
I'm actually really ill too. Man flu, huh?
It's a real problem. >_<

Okay. Today whilst thinking, whilst typing the above I decided that tomorrow I must go regardless. No matter what obstacle is thrown in my way, I have to work. I can't give up easily.

"When I hesitated
When I reached the point
Where there was no turning back
And cried, because I was afraid to stop
You said to me:
'What's sad, is that you're giving up.'
By only collecting, displaying and looking
At beautiful things,
And only having pleasant dreams,
Was I just lamenting reality?"
-Naturally

There seems to be lyrics that suit everything.

Oh, I applied for a job, I'm going to apply for more. I will get a job! Watch me, 'kay? ^_^

I try to uphold my promises, yo.

Hey guys~. ^_^

How be you all? :D

I'm feeling much better than when I last blogged, I've relieved myself of a huge weight. Haha.

So, today is the last week of college and then I have a week off!
すごいね？

So, today I watched Ayu's Stadium Tour 2002 in its entirety and even the editing didn't bother me! Ya~y!
I think that her ST02 performances of Free & Easy and HANABI were the absolute BEST. ^_^

That Union Jack dress is really gorgeous, she looks pretty hawt in it, ne? ^_-

Anyway, it's pretty cool!

Ever since I saw BEST FICTION TOUR, I've had the biggest obsession with Namie, she's so good. Which is surprising, before I saw BF, I didn't really like her except for some of the songs, but now I've realised she's REALLY good. I should maybe review her older works I disliked before, eh?

Oh! Also, I managed to snag two CDs from JPS by Hibari Misora, they're sooooo good, I'm really happy that I finally managed to get a studio version of 人生一路. One of my favourite songs~.
Speaking of Hibari-sama, I was able to sleep last night, so I translated two of her songs: 人生一路 and 川の流れのように.
Very badly mind you, I think the one I'm most proud of is Kawano. So I'll share that one with you, it has really touching lyrics...

Unconsciously, we're all walking north, on this long and slender road,
If we turn back, far away, over the distance we can see our homes,
Over this uneven road, over this ever-twisting road,
That not even a map, can tell us the direction of life.

Ah, like the river flowing slowly,
Many eras pass us by,
Ah, like a river flowing endlessly,
The sky is dyed with twilight.

We're living, we're travelling this endless road,
Our loved ones near our side, as we seek our dreams.
Even when the falling rain, makes this road muddy,
Someday, the day will come when all becomes clear once more.

Ah, like the river flowing calmly,
I want to entrust this body,
Ah, like the river flowing, the seasons change,
Whilst the snow waits to thaw.

Ah, like the river flowing calmly,
I want to entrust this body,
Ah, like the river flowing, we can always hear,
The blue stream murmuring.

There, isn't it a beautiful song (if you can see by my bad translating skills). ^_-

Well, there isn't much to share really, but I guess this constitutes as "happy" blog. ^_-

Also, in case you wanted to see, here's Jinsei too~.

"Once you've chosen, you can never change your mind."
This is my philosophy of life.
Don't cry, don't hesitate, and surpass the anguish.
Humans can fulfill their desires.

Endure when the depth of snow buries you.
Wait for when the barley grows in spring.
Even when living exposes you to problems,
A human's disposition will get them through it.

With your heart, embrace the flames,
At full speed, walk your decided path,
Let's begin tomorrow, on life's only path.
The flower's troubles, in the wind they bloom.

See ya later~. ^o^

I'm gonna try blogging more!

My last blog was the 18th of last month, isn't that suuuch a long time ago? XD
It feels like years since I've blogged, but in fact it's only a few weeks.

I've been at college for over a month now, and I do actually enjoy it~, still my mood of late has just been going downhill like a landslide. Haha.
I'm gonna have to work on improving that mood, but I was talking about this with my mum (sorry to jump straight in at the deep end with this!) and she really got me thinking.

I'm the type of person who tries his best to please the greatest number of people as I can before I crash. I've always tried to be that person, even when it takes its toll on me, even though I've said that, I don't regret it. I love helping people with my all, I really do. It's just I never seem to be able to deal with my own problems.

We all have problems with our health, isn't that true? I mean...there's some people who get cancer, some people who get HIV and go on to develop AIDS, some people have arthritis.
I don't know what it's like to be told by a doctor I have cancer.
I don't know what it's like to get back some form of test results and be told the HIV I caught has worsened and I now have AIDS.
I don't know what it feels like to have your joints and bones ache constantly from arthritis.

But at the same time, it's normal to be physically ill, everyone at some point will get ill and as my mum pointed out, almost everyone will become mentally ill.
Whether it's something that stays with you the rest of your life, or something that goes away. It's the norm.

It's a hidden norm.

That's how I feel. Nearly three years ago my life went on a downward spiral, but even though I knew there was something not quite right with me, I just allowed people to let me believe I was lazy and uninspired.
I was ill, and that's something I still have to come to terms with.

This is controversial to say...but in a way...it's easy to deal with a physical illness, people today understand them.
Someone is brave for fighting cancer till the end, whatever that end may be.

How many people are brave for living their day-to-day life with a mental illness? People laugh at schizophrenics today, don't they.
But as my mum said, just because you can't see something is broken, doesn't mean to say it isn't real.

Mental illnesses, in my opinion, are somewhat worse than physical illnesses, in fact...just as I typed "physical" I typed out "real" instead. Even I find it hard to accept sometimes.

I'm not saying that people who deal with physical illnesses aren't brave, they are, incredibly. But there's no stigma to physical illnesses such as cancer.

Three years ago, depression crept up on me, I didn't notice the change, people around me maybe did, but I didn't see it myself. It was just normal for me at that time.
Now today I can sometimes see myself slipping back into that rut and it scares me. It really scares me a lot.

Sometimes I think 'This must be how a cancer patient in remission must feel.'
Then I berate myself, because I'm not "really" ill.

Talking to my mum was an epiphany. I realised that perhaps my depression will come back. It probably will come back. It might even be coming back right this second.
I had therapy for six weeks, which isn't that much, but it did help. But maybe that's not enough? To tell the truth it does scare me, my future scares me.

I don't want to be "crazy".

I can't honestly say I'm any happier than I was yesterday. I can't say I'm happy. But I know that there's things I can do, half the battle is getting help.
Even that isn't much of a comfort to me.

I have family members who I can talk to. I have the best friends in the world. But even that doesn't help me. Only I can help myself.

This blog doesn't make much sense. I'm sorry~! But I needed to get this stuff out of my mind. Haha.

This week, I've missed three days of college. That in itself makes me feel...so guilty. It makes me feel lazy.
But I've realised that I've not been lazy. I'm not making excuses, I've been ill. Just because I'm not coughing or sneezing doesn't make my pain any less real.

There's people far worse off than me and I can't imagine how they feel, I only know how I feel.

「これから始まって行く
私の物語は
不安と希望に満ちてる。」
-Depend on you

Changing 「ふたり」 to 「わたし」 is probably the best thing you could do to those lyrics because even though I have the support of everyone, when it boils down to it, you're the only one who can govern your actions.

I'll finish with some lyrics now, this blog post has dragged on too long already, the next one will be happier! I swear~! :)

「新しいドア明けて知らない場所へ出てしまっから
私は私だと言い切るから
そこがどんな場所でも生き抜いてよ
一生に一度の戦い挑むため。」
-SIGNAL

Long gap!

Hey people! Sorry for the humongous gap. T____T

So, college is going pretty well, I have some homework which I'll do later... I swear! :D

Lately I've been writing a lot, isn't that cool? ^o-

Yeah, I've been experimenting with different lyrical styles and the like. It's actually pretty fun but it hasn't really come into much fruition really. Laaaaaa～me.

Well...I don't actually have that much to report.

Today I FINALLY got pictures of a double decker. Man that was fortuitous. I didn't expect to see one. XD

I'm starting to think that classics is perhaps way better than history, or maybe they're on par with each other.

I'm really boring, aren't I??? Daaaaaamn. ;)

I've really started liking techno stuff lately, it's totally out of character, isn't it? For instance... I've been listening to capsule, MEG and POLYSICS. <3

Oh well. ;D

I found some photos on my phone I somehow DIDN'T upload, shocking isn't it? They're pretty recent actually, look:

Also this one of Baxter that makes me laugh:

Bless him. :)

That's all! For now!

Sleeping Issues

It's four in the morning here, and I'm having a little trouble sleeping! Don't you just hate it when you can't sleep? :\

Well, I haven't really got a lot to share. But the opticians rang me when I was in bed yesterday morning, oops. I'll see 'em Monday, cuz ho～pefully I'm going to pick them up then! :D

Man, I actually feel kinda bad over those, they're really expensive, can someone explain to me when and why glasses got and are so expensive? They're just plastic. >_<
They were like...£80... *gulp*

Anyway! When I woke up on Saturday, my ear was in soo~ much pain. I tried the olive oil and it was okay...but then I noticed some sort of static-sound in my ear. xP
So anyway, when I took out the cotton wool, and went for a bath to wash out the oil. Baaaam!
It currently hurts so bad. Haha.


Basically, I think that my doctor is such an idiot. >_<


When I went as I probably said, he just told me to take ibuprofen for the pain and then soak my ear in warm olive oil.
- He never told me how long to leave in the olive oil.
- He never told me how long I have to use the olive oil.
- He never told me to make another appointment.


I'm seriously pissed out. I think I'm gonna change my GP at some point this year, 'cause his services are really unhelpful. Like he was looking at my file and he was like "Do you have any learning difficulties?"
And I was like... "Huh? What?"
"Well, there's a referral to the child and adolescent unit."


So...I explained HE made that referral over depression and that was sorted. Jeeeeeeze. It comes to something when your doctor doesn't even know himself what he's done/doing. >___<


Pisses me off.


So anyway, yeah he gave my ibuprofen. I'm not meant to take over 6 a day. But man. They aren't even helping with the pain except numbing it a little...
Before I washed out the oil, I took two, and then when I got out of the bath nearly 30 minutes ago, they hadn't even helped...only after taking another two did they kick in. How ridiculous is that?!


Man. If my ear isn't any better tomorrow, I'm definitely going to the ER, cause man. I have college Tuesday and I REFUSE to miss my first few days. >_<


OH! And he never even said what was wrong with my ears... so I don't even know myself. LOL


Ugh. Doctors. >_<