Raz, dra, tri!

Okay, so I've not blogged since the 8th November LAST year...
Oh my God, it's been a long time da?

So yeah, much time has passed and lots of things have happened, I REALLY can't be arsed to blog everything at the moment, but in short, stuff is fucked up :)

Some people are gonna read that and think "Oh my God, he's talking shit again!" But seriously, life is really fucked up for me at the minute, trying not to sound like an attention seeker at the minute is hard...

But yeah, since I last blogged, I've been outed by my brother, had 2 boyfriends, fell into depression and been smacked twice, and since whenever I last blogged, life for me has had it's ups and downs...

So, yeah I'll start at the start da?

Okay. So, one Thursday, I fell in love (not the proper love, just the average teen stuff, I realise that now!) with Sharky, so the next day he broke up with his girlfriend and asked me out, the very same day I got outed, the entire school now know I'm gay.
I was really happy when I was with James, but still a little insecure, yeah I knew that him and Mike has history and I was okay with that, but seriously I was REALLY insecure, this was my first gay relationship and things were kinda hard, but yeah a week later he left me, and naturally I was devastated, especially when he got a girlfriend the same day he left me, now I know how Jaye must've felt...
A few days after, Mike said something to me which really got me thinking, in all honesty, I've like Mike for a LONG time, since the back end of year 9 and that's a long time for me and those who know me will agree...
So yeah he said this and when I told Spam, she told me not to get involved...I took her advice, because I knew he was fucked up, and yeah I was fucked up too...
Anyway, at the end of that week, he asked me out :D
I immediately said yes, I was really happy..so yeah, while I was going out with Mike, I fell really deeply in love with him...
...He didn't feel the same...and the next week he broke up with me...so yeah, after he broke up with me, he asked me to go to his house on Sunday, being the naive person I am, I said yes,
We got back together and then broke up again the next day.

I know he was messing me about, and I was actually really hurt, but I wasn't prepared to give up on him, but I just ended up getting hurt again.
So I can't remember exactly when it happened, but I started self-harming again...and I was doing well to hide it...
Er, a lot more stuff happened but ofc I can't remember everything anymore...so anyway Mike came through to Thurnscoe, I kissed him, told him I loved him, and he said some stuff, and I believed every word he said to me...

Later on I got tipsy, and being tipsy, I picked up on stuff I wouldn't have normally picked up on, like the fact he was talking to Ellen like constantly, but refused to talk to me, I was actually pretty upset, so I staggered off up the hill..
After that Abbey came after me and I started crying (Which is REALLY odd for me, cause I've NEVER cried infront of people before), so yeah, I fucked up with Mike..again.
After that, I just stopped caring, so that night I cut really deep and then took a load of sleeping tablets..not enough to kill me ofc, but enough...

I don't even KNOW why I'm saying this, cause it doesn't really matter cause it's in the past. Anyway, after my mum found out, she put me on anti-depressants and I fell out with Stef and Hannah... and I was pretty much sick of EVERYTHING...

The anti-depressants started working, they weren't exactly making me happy, but just stabilising me enough so that I was 'okay' nothing more, nothing less just 'okay'.

That's what they're STILL doing, but during half term I stopped taking them, and then I started cutting again...(sorry I didn't tell you, but this way now I won't have to explain myself...)
But yeah, I've not cut since Wednesday... (Y)

Anyway, the Monday 'fore half term, Kyle Turner hit me (Y) and broke my nose, so yeah, my mum also told the police and school that I'm on anti-depressants.
I dunno how many people know this, but I pretty much have bipolar, it's not as bad as my mum's though (it runs in my family).

But aye, at the minute, I really don't know what to think.
Y'see there's this really cute boy I really like, and then there's Mike who I STILL love.
I dunno what to do though, cause up until recently I thought that I'd moved on from Mike, but now I've started thinking about him, and dreaming about him again and it's absolutely fucking driving me insane...
I really like this boy, and I don't wanna use him to get over Mike, and that's how I think it's gonna feel.

I want to hate him so much
But I can't seem to manage it.

Yeah anyway in addition to this, my mum is on the verge of having another nervous break-down, I think my dad is having a nervous break-down as well...
So if either of them do have one, then things are gonna be pretty bad, cause if one breaks down, the other one will as well...

My mum told me that she's been unable to sleep and that when she does sleep she's having nightmares and she doesn't know whether it'll be me or Matthew who tops themselves first..(which is comforting)
And she's scared I'm gonna get smacked again.

My dad is behaving really odd, he's forgetting things constantly and being really subdued and he's fallen into himself a helluva lot, like he was making a cup of tea, then went upstairs, told me he was going to the top, went for a smoke then went to sleep...
It's really odd... and I'm pretty much scared cause if either of my parents have a breakdown, I'm so scared...
And my mum keeps overdosing...

Then there's dick-heads at school making their mouth about me and it's pretty much started to crack me, and it's not sort of making me feel down, but just angry, so I take it out on myself and walls and stuff...

Also Matthew is a fucking CUNT, he's constantly doing stuff to piss people off, and he's absolutely FUCKED that bedroom, a short list:
1.) He's stripped the walls completely to the plaster
2.) He's taken off all the skirting
3.) He's smashed the light switch and plug sockets
4.) he's broken the light
5.) there's like 5 different floorboards smashed in
6.) he's broken about 6 cups

Seriously though, it's starting to really FUCK ME OFF
Like the other day he was going on about this jumper he'd misplaced and was trying to make out I'd had it
and he said to my mum "That fucking bastard's had it, cause there was pink around the collar that's why he's fucking taken it!" and I was like
"What the fuck" so I got really angry, punched the wall (my hand went straight through), stormed out of the house for about an hour, so I got grounded...
Not like it's fucking working!

Agh! I'm actually so pissed off with most things..

But yeah, Arches tomorrow (Y)
I hope he comes :D

So yeah. Peace out, and thanks for reading if you read it all...

(For all your knowledge, I started this blog at like 11:50...