COLD! GR! XD

Okay, so today, I'm gonna do loads, accomplish a lot!
Ideally I need to finish all my coursework and get it all up to date, do all the chores I have to, practise some Japanese and redo my myspace!

So on a slightly depressing note, this week, I've felt kinda sad... there really is no other way to describe it.
I'm starting to realise, I'm not a people's person at the moment, people who I absolutely adore are starting to piss me off, and then someone from the group of people I trust entirely has betrayed me, I mean, I know I should trust them all when they say their expected "You know it wasn't me, you can trust me!" When the reality of this situation is I can't trust you because you may have betrayed me.

When you tell me something, I keep it a secret and it becomes one of my burdens, like in the bible where it talks about sharing yoke because someone else's is refreshing? I don't remember the exact part but it's in the new testament somewhere.
The point I'm trying to put through is that out of the few people I could trust, that's now sunk into an already lower number and I sometimes think, can I really trust anyone anymore?

The answer? Maybe it's a no, maybe it isn't... but I know that it is tiring to have to think about what I can and can't tell my friend... the majority of them lie to me, yet I don't lie to them.

So yes, people frustrate me, because they're just a cesspool of disappointment and lies, who am I to talk of this though, I let people down do I not? I don't go to school because I hate it and just being there makes my skin prickle with hatred and worry.
It's okay for my friends because I carry the brunt of all these contemptable attacks and the homophobic verbal assaults.

Sure the verbal hurts, it hurts more than anything in the world, yet so does physical, people tend to forget that not only do I recieve a heavy chunk of the psycological homophobia, I also recieve a majority of the physical.

This leads me onto body image, I think that I'd be lying if I said I was happy with my body, because I'm not at all, although I'm not going to go to extremes over it, I still have days when I disgust myself.

I'm far too thin, my face is too gaunt, I hate how my skin refuses to colour, I hate my hair, I hate my entire face.
I actually have days when I think, I actually look pretty good today, or wow I'm kinda getting big today!

Today however, I feel I'm too skinny, I don't think there's a bone on my body I can't see and I actually find it repulsive the way my wrist has a bone that juts out and the veins that're so clearly visiable.
It's all disgusting, to me, being this thin isn't attractive, yet despite my constant binging I don't gain weight, I'd rather be fat than thin.

Body image is strange...I often find myself looking at my scars, disturbed that I could do that to myself yet facinated, often gazing at them, feeling the texture, is this normal?
Is anything normal? How can I be disgusted by something such as self harm, yet the very next day do the object of my abhorrence?

I suppose this entry is turning into something quite personal, but I'll type a little longer...

Life is a vicious circle, a never-ending cycle, boring yet interesting, a constant paradox of the unacceptable and acceptable.

I think I've rambled on a little too much, so I'll nip it in the bud so-to-speak.

Ah, yes, I think I'll go do something more constructive and less theraputic now!

Sayounara