Angst Ridden Stupidity

Okay.. so this is from earlier in the morning and I'll probably continue from then

"Okay so I'm in be at the minute listening to~ X Japan (08:03 AM) and I dunno I feel awful, so I'll document my day of spitting bile.
So.. I've made some pretty fucking stupid, pathetic even, choices. Now without careful consideration, of course, because you can't screw up your live on a whim, God forbid.

But y'know, it's kinda stupid how melancholic I feel..it really is.
I have no idea... I'm a fucking hypocrite.

Lately, I've been having the usual urges of idiocy I have and one day it's like
FUCK IT! So.. needless to say I gave into the temptation. So.. I'm in emotional, mental, and to a certain extent, physical anguish, through no one's fault but my own.

I dunno, I can't believe how hebitudious I am at the moment! I don't even how it happened! Hontou ore wa baka dayo~.

And recently I have been off it... but like it only makes everything worse, makes me more sluggish, makes me dull, uncaring, stupid, foolish. It doesn't.. it doesn't make me happy, it just makes me feel sullen...

So, this summer I'll have hardly any spare time, what-so-ever because after this week I'm working towards graduating...I've squandered by time enough and absconded from life enough as well...
Sure the school does absolutely fuck all about their major bullying and homophobia issues within it, but the teachers who do actually care -- I'm sorry for letting those down.
It kinda makes me sad that if I succeed with my plans, I'm gonna have a serious lack of friends, but, at the end of the day I'd rather go to Doncaster than have anymore of my time in Barnsley.

I've even finally decided what I'll study: English literature; English language; history; and either French or German.

So, this is the last week of my fucking idiocy, I'm gonna get my head down, study for school, study Japanese, study for the JPLT... work my arse off for the rest of my time as a secondary school kid...

I won't let my feelings, health or issues cripple me.

At the end of the day, it's just like my mum says; your friends won't always be there for you.
I know, it's true that I'll try and keep in contact... but I can't promise, my promises are often saccharine in their nature... but I'm human, a bad one at that, I break them too many times.
People who know me...they should know that I can't keep promises, people who tell me to promise them, they're just setting themselves up, I'm unreliable.

I'm quite the pessimist, it's easy to be optimistic about the lives of others'. But with your own you've gotta be fucking ruthless.
I'm not a social boy, never have been. So maybe a word to decribe me could be recluse -- fuck it, yes, I am a recluse.
I don't wanna do drugs, or get pissed, or go to parties. I don't like shopping, I'm not ready for sex, I don't want to get a fucking blow job or even give one, I'm not like that, I really aren't, when I talk about sex, it's usually in jest.

I love my friends.

I hate myself.

I'm disappointed in how I've turned out so far, I'm tainted by things, turned into a fucking calamity. I have no sense of my own identity.
I used to be a nice boy...polite, according to my family; I've changed -- the worst thing is, I HAVE changed, I can see it myself, I'm comtemptible, cruel and the worst is, I know I am, I can't do anything about it, it's like I've been caught up in a whirlpool of change and I've become some bitter, selfish cunt.

It's no wonder that my parents don't love me, see me as they used to, because in a way I've failed them, like I fail everyone else, I've let not only them down, but myself.

I really am the worst at times.

I've lost my values, morals and self respect because I thought I was in fucking love.
Yeah...it's not like I've lost my virginity, but still...

I can't even -- I dunno.

I wasn't in love back then, not with him anyway.
It's been almost 4 years and my feelings have fluctuated, God, maybe it's just there because he was my first friend from that school...Surely that could be it? We've argued, mainly because of my cruelty, yet still.. I really like him...how does that make sense?

My conscience is fucked.

I really -- I really don't like being gay.
Being gay is a part of me I can't changed, or at least, to my knowledge I can't change, it's a major flaw in me, according to society, psychology, religion, my mum, my-fucking-self.

I guess whoever is reading is probably thinking "What the fuck is this kid? He's a fucking loser".
That'd probably right.

It's so STUPID my lifestyle and my beliefs contradict so much, I'm like.. I dunno, it's almost like putting a fucking bottle of alkaline in with a vat of acid...but even then.. it's a problem.
Have you ever seen lithium in water? It's quite like that.. there's a reaction between H²O and Li.. and the lithium just goes beserk and starts exploding.
So yes.. my lifestyle is the water; my beliefs are the lithium.

All I can do in my current state is pray...and my prayers will just fall on deaf ears, because that's what I deserve.
Like I DESERVE anything in return when all I've done is made mistake after mistake.
My pointless, stupid blasphemy.

Pathetic.

I don't deserve salvation what-so-ever. I know this, there are millions of people who're more worthy of something like that.

It's pointless even trying.

I don't care, I can't help myself out of this rut by any other way other than coping.
It's unfortunate but it's true.

It's stupid though... I'm despised...slightly unfairly, but I don't think my attitude helps.

I've had my nose broken twice through no fault of my own... and my cheekbone fractured for the same reasons.

I think it's fucking unfair, and I love how school, where they happened takes NO responsibility.

It makes me SO angry that people can get away with homophobic attacks...it's not my fault I'm gay...I don't even want that...I've always been gay.. I think, I know I've definitely liked guys more than girls, and I have liked girls at some point.

I wish I could.

Is it so weird that I don't wanna party and screw people that I won't even remember about.
I don't wanna fuck everyone who's unfortunate enough to be with me.
Doesn't that cheapen sex?

I can't understand people who shag everyone they're with...

It's hypocritical.. you wouldn't do that to someone you loved, because to fuck them without being with them for a good length of time is stupid..it's meaningless.

Sex, it's a pointless activity.

I don't want a fucking blow job.

I don't wanna fuck anyone at the moment.

I want a serious relationship.

I don't wanna waste my fucking virginity.

It's pathetic, sick, stupid.

I can't do that, why is it that no one wants relationships and they're just content with promiscuity?

It's pointless.

I can't act on lust, because lust doesn't last, people shouldn't just act on feelings that are fleeting.

Another thing that gets to me is, why are people with people they can't trust?
If you love someone, you should trust them, care about them...relationships can't last on sex and arguments.

I've said it before, I wanna be in an adult relationship not just sex... infact I don't want sex for a good while, I don't want a relationship that's just emphemeral.

I suppose... I've always been this way, I've always wanted to settle down, even at an early age...

A wife, kids...I wanted that, deep down I still do.

But a wife? I can't have that.

Why do schools fill children with false hope, what happened to the "you can do anything you want when you grow up" lie?

So yeah.

I'm a myriad of angst.