I'm gonna try blogging more!

My last blog was the 18th of last month, isn't that suuuch a long time ago? XD
It feels like years since I've blogged, but in fact it's only a few weeks.

I've been at college for over a month now, and I do actually enjoy it~, still my mood of late has just been going downhill like a landslide. Haha.
I'm gonna have to work on improving that mood, but I was talking about this with my mum (sorry to jump straight in at the deep end with this!) and she really got me thinking.

I'm the type of person who tries his best to please the greatest number of people as I can before I crash. I've always tried to be that person, even when it takes its toll on me, even though I've said that, I don't regret it. I love helping people with my all, I really do. It's just I never seem to be able to deal with my own problems.

We all have problems with our health, isn't that true? I mean...there's some people who get cancer, some people who get HIV and go on to develop AIDS, some people have arthritis.
I don't know what it's like to be told by a doctor I have cancer.
I don't know what it's like to get back some form of test results and be told the HIV I caught has worsened and I now have AIDS.
I don't know what it feels like to have your joints and bones ache constantly from arthritis.

But at the same time, it's normal to be physically ill, everyone at some point will get ill and as my mum pointed out, almost everyone will become mentally ill.
Whether it's something that stays with you the rest of your life, or something that goes away. It's the norm.

It's a hidden norm.

That's how I feel. Nearly three years ago my life went on a downward spiral, but even though I knew there was something not quite right with me, I just allowed people to let me believe I was lazy and uninspired.
I was ill, and that's something I still have to come to terms with.

This is controversial to say...but in a way...it's easy to deal with a physical illness, people today understand them.
Someone is brave for fighting cancer till the end, whatever that end may be.

How many people are brave for living their day-to-day life with a mental illness? People laugh at schizophrenics today, don't they.
But as my mum said, just because you can't see something is broken, doesn't mean to say it isn't real.

Mental illnesses, in my opinion, are somewhat worse than physical illnesses, in fact...just as I typed "physical" I typed out "real" instead. Even I find it hard to accept sometimes.

I'm not saying that people who deal with physical illnesses aren't brave, they are, incredibly. But there's no stigma to physical illnesses such as cancer.

Three years ago, depression crept up on me, I didn't notice the change, people around me maybe did, but I didn't see it myself. It was just normal for me at that time.
Now today I can sometimes see myself slipping back into that rut and it scares me. It really scares me a lot.

Sometimes I think 'This must be how a cancer patient in remission must feel.'
Then I berate myself, because I'm not "really" ill.

Talking to my mum was an epiphany. I realised that perhaps my depression will come back. It probably will come back. It might even be coming back right this second.
I had therapy for six weeks, which isn't that much, but it did help. But maybe that's not enough? To tell the truth it does scare me, my future scares me.

I don't want to be "crazy".

I can't honestly say I'm any happier than I was yesterday. I can't say I'm happy. But I know that there's things I can do, half the battle is getting help.
Even that isn't much of a comfort to me.

I have family members who I can talk to. I have the best friends in the world. But even that doesn't help me. Only I can help myself.

This blog doesn't make much sense. I'm sorry~! But I needed to get this stuff out of my mind. Haha.

This week, I've missed three days of college. That in itself makes me feel...so guilty. It makes me feel lazy.
But I've realised that I've not been lazy. I'm not making excuses, I've been ill. Just because I'm not coughing or sneezing doesn't make my pain any less real.

There's people far worse off than me and I can't imagine how they feel, I only know how I feel.

「これから始まって行く
私の物語は
不安と希望に満ちてる。」
-Depend on you

Changing 「ふたり」 to 「わたし」 is probably the best thing you could do to those lyrics because even though I have the support of everyone, when it boils down to it, you're the only one who can govern your actions.

I'll finish with some lyrics now, this blog post has dragged on too long already, the next one will be happier! I swear~! :)

「新しいドア明けて知らない場所へ出てしまっから
私は私だと言い切るから
そこがどんな場所でも生き抜いてよ
一生に一度の戦い挑むため。」
-SIGNAL