Hardly Fair...

This is hardly fair, is it?

My mum and sister expect me to stay off the internet during the day because 'I'm on all night', the reason WHY I'm on all night is because I CAN'T get on during the day.

My mum is always making out she's the victim in everything, when she isn't, she twists my words and calls me a liar.

It's quite unfair actually.

The only four people I regularly see are Sarah, Riah, Siobhaun and Cierra.

And as great as they are, I still have other friends... like friends closer to home I NEVER see.

My mum goes on about how she has friends she talks to everyday on Facebook, what about me? What about MY friends I NEVER see?

I'm basically depressed constantly cause I can't vent, they won't LET me vent.

I can't talk to them no matter what they say, do they care? No.

They think that me being online all night is through my choice, it isn't.

So my mum has friends on facebook, I have friends that I can't even ARRANGE to meet up with because I can't get online during the day to see them, I can't text them cause I haven't got credit on my phone and she complains if I ask for her credit.

She's basically crippling my social life because she has to be on facebook during the day.

She's pathetic.

And I hope she DOES see the feed on my facebook, and I hope she DOES click it, and I hope she DOES read this.

I mean... I can't talk to the people I need to, the ones I've not seen in ages because they don't want me to come online, cause they're SO much important than me.

I'm fucking sick of her...

Like in the last two weeks, I've been able to get online about 3 times during the day, but even then they've complained.

She goes on about Mafia Wars like is so fucking important.

It's a game, whereas, my happiness isn't a game, she's my MOTHER she should care about my happiness.. you'd think, anyway.

Basically she dislikes who I am, and for things I can't help.

I swear, what does she expect when she's always swearing.

I'm nasty to her, what does she expect when she doesn't give me the time of day.

I can only get through to her when I argue, and even then she shouts me down and doesn't listen.

So much for her facade of "You can talk to me about anything" FUCK YOU, you only say that so I'll stop cutting, so you won't feel guilty, so it won't look bad on YOUR parenting.

I cut because I'm UNHAPPY, do you care?! NO!

I can't even have an opinion because it would make God unhappy...well Mum, you and I, we both obviously serve different Gods.

And then you always go on about not having favourites...you fucking do, why lie?!

Matthew and Lucy are your favourites, because they're nothing like the Cartwrights you DESPISE.

You hate me, you hate my dad, you hate MY family, because they are my family, nothing to do with you and your perfect kids.

I mean.. if you weren't gonna be ready for me, if you weren't gonna accept me without having to lie to yourself.

You shouldn't have even had me, seriously.

So yeah. Bye, now I'll let you have YOUR way, again.

I sincerely hope you read this, because then you'll know the truth, undoubtedly I know you'll twist it, like you ALWAYS do, because there's no point in lying, you'll kick up a massive fuss and say you do care and you do everything for me.

But in the end, you don't have the time of day for me, you're too content in your own life to care about me.

Infact I don't think you have any maternal instinct over me, you love Matthew, you love Lucy, you hate me, you've said this numerous occasions, to my face, to other family members, to other people.

I'm sorry I can't be your PERFECT idea of a son.

I'm sorry I can't be straight, and nice and clean cut and as amazing as Matthew.

I know I'm not as good-looking as Matthew and I know you'll never love me as equally as Matthew, so don't bother trying anymore.

Just don't bother anymore.

I'm past caring about anything.

Things that Scare the Fuck Out of Me

Okay, so I were just reading something on Chinese history, it was basically a synopsis on Chinese history and it's weird China is terrifying.

So I'm gonna make a list of things that scare me and why, random I know :)

1.) The People's Republic of China

• They have dying rooms, which of course China deny, basically a dying room is a room in the back of Chinese orphanage where mentally ill and handicapped children are left to die, they aren't fed, watered or given any attention, they're just left to die, alone.

• It's perfectly normal in the PRC to just disappear, and if you make a statement going against how amazing the government is, you can pretty much expect to be disappearing into nihility pretty soon.

• Do you know what happened on the 4th June? Everyone should, unless of course you're Chinese, in which case it never happened. In China the incidents of the 4th June is pretty taboo about as taboo as cracking jokes on rape, necrophilia and paedophilia over the table at a formal gathering. Well, if you don't know, on 4th June, 1989 students and other people of knowledge decided to gather and protest. Big mistake, according to China's official records only 200 people died, and although there's no way of knowing exactly, the numbers are probably more like 2000-3000.

• There's a massive firewall in China, what this means is: anything that China disagrees with, or allows the Chinese a fraction of autonomy is blocked, yes sites like Flickr, Myspace, Facebook and YouTube are blocked by the Chinese Government. Also websites from outside China such as Google China, Yahoo China etc have promised to conform, i.e. not show any undesirable results.

2.) Moths

• Random, I know, but they're so DISGUSTING, completely... I DID upload a photo of one, but the feelings of nausea overcame me, just google moth, they're fucking nasty.

3.) Human Immunodeficiency Virus & Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome

• Firstly, if you don't know what either of these are, you're stupid, incredibly stupid.

• There's something terrifying about these maybe it's because it's killing an estimated 2.1 million people and over 33.2 million people already are living with it.
  

• So, there's treatments out there to slow down the disease, but still it's of little comfort considering there's no vaccine or cure. Sure you can have all the safe-sex you want but not many people take into consideration that they can also get it from breastmilk or blood, so all it takes would be one slip up... I mean I know I randomly bleed all the time so how hard must it be to make sure you don't bleed at all?

• Ignorant people also don't help, people who believe that HIV and AIDS doesn't exist, or those who believe it's a divine punishment, Nelson Mandela, he's regarded as a hero, yet he denies this disease exists. Ignorance is a grave danger and one of the reasons diseases like HIV spread is due to ignorance, the majority of deaths regarding this are in the sub-Saharan region of Africa, why? Because they're ignorant, not through their own fault of course, but because charities are corrupt they don't get the help they need, treatments to make living with HIV & AIDS are expensive and not everyone can afford them.

4.) Eating Disorders

• I've actually put in a considerable amount of research into eating disorders, mainly Anorexia Nervosa (as opposed to anorexia meaning something completely different to Anorexia Nervosa) and Bulimia Nervosa.

• People credit eating disorders as being 'attention seeking' and maybe they are, I don't know, what I do know is that they're serious, they're mental disorders and are mortiferous.

• Only 1/3 of people with Anorexia Nervosa receive mental care, with only 6% of bulimics receiving mental care.

• Anorexia Nervosa has the highest premature fatality rate of any other mental illness.

Illness Prevalence Research Funds
Eating Disorders 10 million £6,000,000
Alzheimer's Disease 4.5 million £323,500,000
Schizophrenia 2.2 million £175,000,000

(Source: Cerulean Butterfly)

Randomness ;D

Okay so I have no idea what to blog about...

So I dunno ;D

I really wanna start a translation project but I'm not sure if I can be arsed with learning loadsa kanji atm

Ah well

So erm I really wanna find some DECENT L'Arc~en~Ciel translations but no luck as of yet!

Ah well.

So at the minute I'm having trouble finding time to study Japanese cause I can only get online these days at night so I'm tired before I even start, this is mainly because my family are inconsiderate.

Damn it

So today's Japanese phrase is

「席に着く」

Or "Seki ni tsuku" meaning "Take my seat"

Grammar is seki = seat and tsuku = to take or to sit down
Ni is a particle indicating direction or destination of an action.

And apparently today's word is SUKI... I already know this, no point in spending anymore time on it :P

So yeah anyway.

There's nothing really much to say xD

So yeah anyway I'd like to say I'm doing well! Two blogs in the space of 2 days ;D

Ja~ matane!

Random Blog (Y)

Whoa so these past two weeks have been strange, I'm glad this week is over though lol.

So last week the computer broke because it wasn't mended properly to be honest.

The fan was put in backwards so the computer was reaching temperatures of over 100°C, the graphics card wasn't working (we knew this already) and some other problems.

I swear technology hates me!

But anyway, me and Spam went on a walk on the Thursday before last, we did have a plan, but we got totally lost so we didn't fulfil them but it was a lot of fun anyway (I'll have to upload the photos soon).

Then after that I got my haircut which in my opinion, it looks quite hot lol.

I uploaded photos of it so go look and comment! I'll return ;D

Erm... then the computer died AGAIN because of a fucking virus!

KUSO! XD

But everything with the computer is fine now, I hope.

So erm, I've just spent about an hour sorting out ScribeFire so I can blog more and easier too.

Damn it's fine now though...

By the way if any of you have a facebook feel free to add me!

The link for my facebook is:

http://www.new.facebook.com/profile.php?id=754503227

So please add or create an account because despite what idiot teens think it truly is better than myspace!

So yeah I think I've covered pretty much everything.

Although I'd like to add I pretty much bum over We The Kings at the minute, so check them out:

Why My Taste in Music Kicks Arse, Supremely :D

Okay...So those who know me should agree, they don't, my music taste...fucking rocks :D

From Gackt's Pop

to Arch Enemy's metal

And then you can go from Linkin Park:

To Otep's nu-metal

So yeah.. I love everything...like I can't resist OLIVIA's...hyperosity?

And Anna Tsuchiya's like... faux-punk ;)

BUMP OF CHICKEN's pop-rock

I love the well-known pioneers of certain genres:

And the relatively unknown of others;

But yeah.. I love everrrrrrything :D

So you should like.. bow

and worship me

...now :)

Angst Ridden Stupidity

Okay.. so this is from earlier in the morning and I'll probably continue from then

"Okay so I'm in be at the minute listening to~ X Japan (08:03 AM) and I dunno I feel awful, so I'll document my day of spitting bile.
So.. I've made some pretty fucking stupid, pathetic even, choices. Now without careful consideration, of course, because you can't screw up your live on a whim, God forbid.

But y'know, it's kinda stupid how melancholic I feel..it really is.
I have no idea... I'm a fucking hypocrite.

Lately, I've been having the usual urges of idiocy I have and one day it's like
FUCK IT! So.. needless to say I gave into the temptation. So.. I'm in emotional, mental, and to a certain extent, physical anguish, through no one's fault but my own.

I dunno, I can't believe how hebitudious I am at the moment! I don't even how it happened! Hontou ore wa baka dayo~.

And recently I have been off it... but like it only makes everything worse, makes me more sluggish, makes me dull, uncaring, stupid, foolish. It doesn't.. it doesn't make me happy, it just makes me feel sullen...

So, this summer I'll have hardly any spare time, what-so-ever because after this week I'm working towards graduating...I've squandered by time enough and absconded from life enough as well...
Sure the school does absolutely fuck all about their major bullying and homophobia issues within it, but the teachers who do actually care -- I'm sorry for letting those down.
It kinda makes me sad that if I succeed with my plans, I'm gonna have a serious lack of friends, but, at the end of the day I'd rather go to Doncaster than have anymore of my time in Barnsley.

I've even finally decided what I'll study: English literature; English language; history; and either French or German.

So, this is the last week of my fucking idiocy, I'm gonna get my head down, study for school, study Japanese, study for the JPLT... work my arse off for the rest of my time as a secondary school kid...

I won't let my feelings, health or issues cripple me.

At the end of the day, it's just like my mum says; your friends won't always be there for you.
I know, it's true that I'll try and keep in contact... but I can't promise, my promises are often saccharine in their nature... but I'm human, a bad one at that, I break them too many times.
People who know me...they should know that I can't keep promises, people who tell me to promise them, they're just setting themselves up, I'm unreliable.

I'm quite the pessimist, it's easy to be optimistic about the lives of others'. But with your own you've gotta be fucking ruthless.
I'm not a social boy, never have been. So maybe a word to decribe me could be recluse -- fuck it, yes, I am a recluse.
I don't wanna do drugs, or get pissed, or go to parties. I don't like shopping, I'm not ready for sex, I don't want to get a fucking blow job or even give one, I'm not like that, I really aren't, when I talk about sex, it's usually in jest.

I love my friends.

I hate myself.

I'm disappointed in how I've turned out so far, I'm tainted by things, turned into a fucking calamity. I have no sense of my own identity.
I used to be a nice boy...polite, according to my family; I've changed -- the worst thing is, I HAVE changed, I can see it myself, I'm comtemptible, cruel and the worst is, I know I am, I can't do anything about it, it's like I've been caught up in a whirlpool of change and I've become some bitter, selfish cunt.

It's no wonder that my parents don't love me, see me as they used to, because in a way I've failed them, like I fail everyone else, I've let not only them down, but myself.

I really am the worst at times.

I've lost my values, morals and self respect because I thought I was in fucking love.
Yeah...it's not like I've lost my virginity, but still...

I can't even -- I dunno.

I wasn't in love back then, not with him anyway.
It's been almost 4 years and my feelings have fluctuated, God, maybe it's just there because he was my first friend from that school...Surely that could be it? We've argued, mainly because of my cruelty, yet still.. I really like him...how does that make sense?

My conscience is fucked.

I really -- I really don't like being gay.
Being gay is a part of me I can't changed, or at least, to my knowledge I can't change, it's a major flaw in me, according to society, psychology, religion, my mum, my-fucking-self.

I guess whoever is reading is probably thinking "What the fuck is this kid? He's a fucking loser".
That'd probably right.

It's so STUPID my lifestyle and my beliefs contradict so much, I'm like.. I dunno, it's almost like putting a fucking bottle of alkaline in with a vat of acid...but even then.. it's a problem.
Have you ever seen lithium in water? It's quite like that.. there's a reaction between H²O and Li.. and the lithium just goes beserk and starts exploding.
So yes.. my lifestyle is the water; my beliefs are the lithium.

All I can do in my current state is pray...and my prayers will just fall on deaf ears, because that's what I deserve.
Like I DESERVE anything in return when all I've done is made mistake after mistake.
My pointless, stupid blasphemy.

Pathetic.

I don't deserve salvation what-so-ever. I know this, there are millions of people who're more worthy of something like that.

It's pointless even trying.

I don't care, I can't help myself out of this rut by any other way other than coping.
It's unfortunate but it's true.

It's stupid though... I'm despised...slightly unfairly, but I don't think my attitude helps.

I've had my nose broken twice through no fault of my own... and my cheekbone fractured for the same reasons.

I think it's fucking unfair, and I love how school, where they happened takes NO responsibility.

It makes me SO angry that people can get away with homophobic attacks...it's not my fault I'm gay...I don't even want that...I've always been gay.. I think, I know I've definitely liked guys more than girls, and I have liked girls at some point.

I wish I could.

Is it so weird that I don't wanna party and screw people that I won't even remember about.
I don't wanna fuck everyone who's unfortunate enough to be with me.
Doesn't that cheapen sex?

I can't understand people who shag everyone they're with...

It's hypocritical.. you wouldn't do that to someone you loved, because to fuck them without being with them for a good length of time is stupid..it's meaningless.

Sex, it's a pointless activity.

I don't want a fucking blow job.

I don't wanna fuck anyone at the moment.

I want a serious relationship.

I don't wanna waste my fucking virginity.

It's pathetic, sick, stupid.

I can't do that, why is it that no one wants relationships and they're just content with promiscuity?

It's pointless.

I can't act on lust, because lust doesn't last, people shouldn't just act on feelings that are fleeting.

Another thing that gets to me is, why are people with people they can't trust?
If you love someone, you should trust them, care about them...relationships can't last on sex and arguments.

I've said it before, I wanna be in an adult relationship not just sex... infact I don't want sex for a good while, I don't want a relationship that's just emphemeral.

I suppose... I've always been this way, I've always wanted to settle down, even at an early age...

A wife, kids...I wanted that, deep down I still do.

But a wife? I can't have that.

Why do schools fill children with false hope, what happened to the "you can do anything you want when you grow up" lie?

So yeah.

I'm a myriad of angst.

Poem! =]

All right, so I recently wrote a poem... and like Gemma reckoned I should post it on myspace... so here we go:

Kimono
By Joel Cartwright

Long ago:
They fluttered around Gion like flowers in the breeze,
The long furisode of the maiko once scraped along the ground,
The hanamachi were odorous with the smell of sakura incense,
All this beauty, hidden behind the fragile veil of flowers,
The mysterious world, covered in secrets not to comprehend.

Who could have foresaw, the tragedy that befell this peaceful life?
The crumble and decay of this delicate existence,
The panic and furore that was caused in this intimate land,
The tragedy exposing the thousand year old antiquity
And at this point, things were never the same again

Legends of the East, brought back to the West
Never understood, not meant to be questioned

Now the furisode and elegant kimono are legends of the past
The Gion hanamachi full of urban promise, full of ghostly past
A long-lived veil, snatched from the ephemeral times

What could the island of the East do, but bow to the West?
Embracing change like the fleeting transition of winter into spring
This is the culture of the Geisha, the mystery of Japan
Rare but not eradicated
Seen but only misunderstood

The hanamachi of today, still weave this sacred world
More steadily and carefully, as the veil grows thinner still
Waiting 'till the day the Noh mask finally breaks

Sucks, I know... but what the hell :)