恋しがるよ

There's not enough time, to explain it.
There's not even enough words to describe it.

But, the pain I'm feeling, is it even really pain? I'm like a husk again.
I can feel it, pulling me down, dragging me, drowning me in misery.

The truth is, I don't even know the truth. All I know is that it's unbearable and all I'm doing is making everyone else unhappy.

I think, I think it's actually you who doesn't understand that I need to do well. Because, I do, and I'm failing myself once more.

I don't have the strength any more.

I either sleep, or I don't. My sleep isn't enough, no matter how much.
My waking life, existence is just filled with thoughts of you.

I can't cry, I can't break it, this incredible sadness, it's smothering me.
I want you to know how much I yearn for you, I want you to know how much I love you, I want you to know how much my heart is hurting.

My deep, ominous thoughts are increasing and all I want to do is curl up in a corner and sleep for eternity.
Sleep until there's no breathe left in me, sleep until the cities have crumbled into dust, sleep until the earth doesn't even exist.
Sleep forever, I never want to wake up.
Often, before I go to sleep, I pray so hard that I won't wake, I always do.

How much have I thought about taking so many pills, about bleeding to death.

I know I could never do that, so instead I cut, cut, cut.
Feeling too happy, cut to bring myself down.
Feeling so sad, cut to numb the grief.
Feeling anxious, cut to calm down.

I can't do this any longer.
I can't go on doing this, it hurts too much, emotionally.

My arms are shaded with scars that can only fade. Ugly silver and dark ominous lines.
I'm a mess, it's a mess.

I still can't stop, all I can do is loathe myself even more.

I'm a failure...

愛してる、
恋しがる、
あいたいよ。

今日うれしかった顔、今日の悲しかった顔
昨日癒された傷と今日深く開いた傷を
あなたなら誰に見せてる私なら誰に見せればいい。