Yeah..idk..pissed off fuck it..

All right, first blog in a while and it'll be a downer, but that's okay, 'cause I have to say this publicly, because I feel people deserve to know, and deserve the opportunity to know why things have happened with me at the minute.

I wouldn't have said last year was good, but it's a lot better than this year has been...by far.
Before I go on, I think I should let you all know that, yes, I am being referred and my parents are making an appointment soon and.. it makes me sad certain people who I think should care, couldn't care less.

I'm not gonna mention names...'cause even if I did they'd be all 'no! Not me!'
But it's fine, they've left school, they've moved on, I can accept that, I think...

But, I don't think I can accept it fully, no, I don't think I can.

My self-esteem has gone up and down in the past month and my emotions have been up and down too...
The fact is I miss you, I miss the old you.

The new you is sarcastic, cold and cruel in all honesty.

When school ended for you, I stopped going to school...not because I was throwing my life away, because I didn't care about my life.
I was a husk...and I was hurting...and I couldn't cope, even now, I can't cope.

I was cutting a lot, deep too...sometimes I still cut even though I'm trying to curb it. You've both cut, I know that for a fact...so obviously you know what I went through with it and what I'm still going through.
You're past that to my knowledge and I'm glad you are...but when I went to one of you with it...all you suggested was... I get help...you weren't willing to help, you weren't prepared to help.
So all you did, was suggest I go to someone outside and get help from there.
Don't try and think you helped, because you didn't at all, you just brushed it under the carpet and pretended it was fine. But it wasn't fine, it's not fine and it never will be.
I'm getting help...but it hurts your two best friends won't help. Thank you for that...you know what I mean.

Then through summer it all went from bad to worse...my cutting got worse...my lifestyle got worse...my thoughts deteriorated.
And all the while, one of you, to my knowledge, was getting holier-than-thou about me and called me a recluse.
Maybe I was being hermetic...but to know someone you considered a sister..looked up to...respected..considered a hero was bitching about me...not even to my face..that was cold..and it fucking hurt.

This isn't a lecture, but I don't think I've fully explored what happened. I have a right to, don't you think?

Yeah...so, I considered you to be like a sister, both of you...and I don't care if you think I'm whining now, because maybe I am.
But I loved you both, and I respected you both, and I tried my HARDEST to be there, for you both.
But you turned your backs on me, when I needed you the most.

34 John Street, Thurnscoe, Rotherham, South Yorkshire, S63 0LT.
Sweet_Sacrifice93@yahoo.co.uk
Jyoeru-Kun@live.co.uk

You both knew that and more.
I can't believe either of you can try and tell me you tried to get in touch with me...I'm not stupid...at all even if you both think I am...this was the time I needed you the MOST.
And you think you had the right to judge me for latching onto the only people I felt I could?!
I'd tried my hardest to be there for you...tried not to lecture you...tried not to judge you...tried my hardest...I mean that honestly...and you both couldn't give a fuck about my emotions all you did was lecture me when you could.

'You need to go to school' &c.
Yeah, I do need to go to school...but I needed my friends!
I needed YOU TWO.
BOTH OF YOU.

Where the fuck were you?! Because you clearly weren't helping me.
Now I'm getting help for myself...not for you.

You've not had to deal with all my lows...you've not dealt with my tears this time...so I guess you're glad. But it hurts to think you said I was like your little brother...that obviously was lies...
Because not even friends desert each other...even when I wanted everyone to leave me alone...few people actually stuck by me ready to forgive me..even if I don't deserve it...and it's stupid of me, but I half expected you two to be there for me and show me you were really my best friends...

And...for the record..the people who DID stick by me would be Laura, Maria, Nat, Sarah, Riah...of course there's others...but it's sad that you two aren't among them...because.. I really honestly did consider you both to be my best friends, my big sisters, my heroes...I can even remember every happy memory... and each one fractures my heart even more...cause...you really don't give a fuck.
And yeah..I'm hurt...but you've let me down..and the worst thing is...neither of you see it..