Monday 19 October 2009

I try to uphold my promises, yo.

Hey guys~. ^_^

How be you all? :D

I'm feeling much better than when I last blogged, I've relieved myself of a huge weight. Haha.

So, today is the last week of college and then I have a week off!
すごいね?

So, today I watched Ayu's Stadium Tour 2002 in its entirety and even the editing didn't bother me! Ya~y!
I think that her ST02 performances of Free & Easy and HANABI were the absolute BEST. ^_^

That Union Jack dress is really gorgeous, she looks pretty hawt in it, ne? ^_-

Anyway, it's pretty cool!

Ever since I saw BEST FICTION TOUR, I've had the biggest obsession with Namie, she's so good. Which is surprising, before I saw BF, I didn't really like her except for some of the songs, but now I've realised she's REALLY good. I should maybe review her older works I disliked before, eh?

Oh! Also, I managed to snag two CDs from JPS by Hibari Misora, they're sooooo good, I'm really happy that I finally managed to get a studio version of 人生一路. One of my favourite songs~.
Speaking of Hibari-sama, I was able to sleep last night, so I translated two of her songs: 人生一路 and 川の流れのように.
Very badly mind you, I think the one I'm most proud of is Kawano. So I'll share that one with you, it has really touching lyrics...

Unconsciously, we're all walking north, on this long and slender road,
If we turn back, far away, over the distance we can see our homes,
Over this uneven road, over this ever-twisting road,
That not even a map, can tell us the direction of life.

Ah, like the river flowing slowly,
Many eras pass us by,
Ah, like a river flowing endlessly,
The sky is dyed with twilight.

We're living, we're travelling this endless road,
Our loved ones near our side, as we seek our dreams.
Even when the falling rain, makes this road muddy,
Someday, the day will come when all becomes clear once more.

Ah, like the river flowing calmly,
I want to entrust this body,
Ah, like the river flowing, the seasons change,
Whilst the snow waits to thaw.

Ah, like the river flowing calmly,
I want to entrust this body,
Ah, like the river flowing, we can always hear,
The blue stream murmuring.

There, isn't it a beautiful song (if you can see by my bad translating skills). ^_-

Well, there isn't much to share really, but I guess this constitutes as "happy" blog. ^_-

Also, in case you wanted to see, here's Jinsei too~.

"Once you've chosen, you can never change your mind."
This is my philosophy of life.
Don't cry, don't hesitate, and surpass the anguish.
Humans can fulfill their desires.

Endure when the depth of snow buries you.
Wait for when the barley grows in spring.
Even when living exposes you to problems,
A human's disposition will get them through it.

With your heart, embrace the flames,
At full speed, walk your decided path,
Let's begin tomorrow, on life's only path.
The flower's troubles, in the wind they bloom.

See ya later~. ^o^

Friday 16 October 2009

I'm gonna try blogging more!

My last blog was the 18th of last month, isn't that suuuch a long time ago? XD
It feels like years since I've blogged, but in fact it's only a few weeks.

I've been at college for over a month now, and I do actually enjoy it~, still my mood of late has just been going downhill like a landslide. Haha.
I'm gonna have to work on improving that mood, but I was talking about this with my mum (sorry to jump straight in at the deep end with this!) and she really got me thinking.

I'm the type of person who tries his best to please the greatest number of people as I can before I crash. I've always tried to be that person, even when it takes its toll on me, even though I've said that, I don't regret it. I love helping people with my all, I really do. It's just I never seem to be able to deal with my own problems.

We all have problems with our health, isn't that true? I mean...there's some people who get cancer, some people who get HIV and go on to develop AIDS, some people have arthritis.
I don't know what it's like to be told by a doctor I have cancer.
I don't know what it's like to get back some form of test results and be told the HIV I caught has worsened and I now have AIDS.
I don't know what it feels like to have your joints and bones ache constantly from arthritis.

But at the same time, it's normal to be physically ill, everyone at some point will get ill and as my mum pointed out, almost everyone will become mentally ill.
Whether it's something that stays with you the rest of your life, or something that goes away. It's the norm.

It's a hidden norm.

That's how I feel. Nearly three years ago my life went on a downward spiral, but even though I knew there was something not quite right with me, I just allowed people to let me believe I was lazy and uninspired.
I was ill, and that's something I still have to come to terms with.

This is controversial to say...but in a way...it's easy to deal with a physical illness, people today understand them.
Someone is brave for fighting cancer till the end, whatever that end may be.

How many people are brave for living their day-to-day life with a mental illness? People laugh at schizophrenics today, don't they.
But as my mum said, just because you can't see something is broken, doesn't mean to say it isn't real.

Mental illnesses, in my opinion, are somewhat worse than physical illnesses, in fact...just as I typed "physical" I typed out "real" instead. Even I find it hard to accept sometimes.

I'm not saying that people who deal with physical illnesses aren't brave, they are, incredibly. But there's no stigma to physical illnesses such as cancer.

Three years ago, depression crept up on me, I didn't notice the change, people around me maybe did, but I didn't see it myself. It was just normal for me at that time.
Now today I can sometimes see myself slipping back into that rut and it scares me. It really scares me a lot.

Sometimes I think 'This must be how a cancer patient in remission must feel.'
Then I berate myself, because I'm not "really" ill.

Talking to my mum was an epiphany. I realised that perhaps my depression will come back. It probably will come back. It might even be coming back right this second.
I had therapy for six weeks, which isn't that much, but it did help. But maybe that's not enough? To tell the truth it does scare me, my future scares me.

I don't want to be "crazy".

I can't honestly say I'm any happier than I was yesterday. I can't say I'm happy. But I know that there's things I can do, half the battle is getting help.
Even that isn't much of a comfort to me.

I have family members who I can talk to. I have the best friends in the world. But even that doesn't help me. Only I can help myself.

This blog doesn't make much sense. I'm sorry~! But I needed to get this stuff out of my mind. Haha.

This week, I've missed three days of college. That in itself makes me feel...so guilty. It makes me feel lazy.
But I've realised that I've not been lazy. I'm not making excuses, I've been ill. Just because I'm not coughing or sneezing doesn't make my pain any less real.

There's people far worse off than me and I can't imagine how they feel, I only know how I feel.

「これから始まって行く
私の物語は
不安と希望に満ちてる。」
-Depend on you

Changing 「ふたり」 to 「わたし」 is probably the best thing you could do to those lyrics because even though I have the support of everyone, when it boils down to it, you're the only one who can govern your actions.

I'll finish with some lyrics now, this blog post has dragged on too long already, the next one will be happier! I swear~! :)

「新しいドア明けて知らない場所へ出てしまっから
私は私だと言い切るから
そこがどんな場所でも生き抜いてよ
一生に一度の戦い挑むため。」
-SIGNAL