So, it's been a good while since I last blogged and in reality, I've learnt quite a lot about myself.
I used to think I could trust all of my friends, yet I now know for fact that no matter how many times you tell me that I can trust you, I know that I can't.
There is possibly four people at most I know for fact I can trust, and even then, they have their own problems.
So to be totally honest, I feel quite lonely. But yeah, what can ye do eh?
Rofl, so in happier news, it seems that Bunraku's filming is going quite well so that's good. I honestly think that GACKT will begin touring Europe after filming and recording of the film, his new album is over.
Then afterwards S.K.I.N. will hopefully begin their world tour.
I hope so anyway, because that would literally make my decade.
So also my Japanese is coming along pretty well, and I'm getting used to the ~tai verb ending...and my Kanji is gaining in numbers.
All is good rofl.
So, back to the more personal aspect of things; family is driving me mad shounen-trouble, but what can you do about that.
When all you can think about 24/7 are stuff like 'aishiteru', 'daisuki da yo', 'omae o hoshii da' and 'itai' and then they're all... 'ah, you've gotta be out of your mind'.
Well, let me tell you, it FEELS like I'm slowly going insane...
Yeah, it actually SUCKS so bad.
Yet, no one fully understands, not that I expect them to, rofl.
And next we have work experience, everyone on Wednesday seemed nice which was pretty much unexpected, I'm gonna miss ore no tomodachi to koibito though.
Ah well, nothing else I don't think S_S
Sithi
~Jyoeru-kun x
Saturday 31 May 2008
Friday 9 May 2008
COLD! GR! XD
Okay, so today, I'm gonna do loads, accomplish a lot!
Ideally I need to finish all my coursework and get it all up to date, do all the chores I have to, practise some Japanese and redo my myspace!
So on a slightly depressing note, this week, I've felt kinda sad... there really is no other way to describe it.
I'm starting to realise, I'm not a people's person at the moment, people who I absolutely adore are starting to piss me off, and then someone from the group of people I trust entirely has betrayed me, I mean, I know I should trust them all when they say their expected "You know it wasn't me, you can trust me!" When the reality of this situation is I can't trust you because you may have betrayed me.
When you tell me something, I keep it a secret and it becomes one of my burdens, like in the bible where it talks about sharing yoke because someone else's is refreshing? I don't remember the exact part but it's in the new testament somewhere.
The point I'm trying to put through is that out of the few people I could trust, that's now sunk into an already lower number and I sometimes think, can I really trust anyone anymore?
The answer? Maybe it's a no, maybe it isn't... but I know that it is tiring to have to think about what I can and can't tell my friend... the majority of them lie to me, yet I don't lie to them.
So yes, people frustrate me, because they're just a cesspool of disappointment and lies, who am I to talk of this though, I let people down do I not? I don't go to school because I hate it and just being there makes my skin prickle with hatred and worry.
It's okay for my friends because I carry the brunt of all these contemptable attacks and the homophobic verbal assaults.
Sure the verbal hurts, it hurts more than anything in the world, yet so does physical, people tend to forget that not only do I recieve a heavy chunk of the psycological homophobia, I also recieve a majority of the physical.
This leads me onto body image, I think that I'd be lying if I said I was happy with my body, because I'm not at all, although I'm not going to go to extremes over it, I still have days when I disgust myself.
I'm far too thin, my face is too gaunt, I hate how my skin refuses to colour, I hate my hair, I hate my entire face.
I actually have days when I think, I actually look pretty good today, or wow I'm kinda getting big today!
Today however, I feel I'm too skinny, I don't think there's a bone on my body I can't see and I actually find it repulsive the way my wrist has a bone that juts out and the veins that're so clearly visiable.
It's all disgusting, to me, being this thin isn't attractive, yet despite my constant binging I don't gain weight, I'd rather be fat than thin.
Body image is strange...I often find myself looking at my scars, disturbed that I could do that to myself yet facinated, often gazing at them, feeling the texture, is this normal?
Is anything normal? How can I be disgusted by something such as self harm, yet the very next day do the object of my abhorrence?
I suppose this entry is turning into something quite personal, but I'll type a little longer...
Life is a vicious circle, a never-ending cycle, boring yet interesting, a constant paradox of the unacceptable and acceptable.
I think I've rambled on a little too much, so I'll nip it in the bud so-to-speak.
Ah, yes, I think I'll go do something more constructive and less theraputic now!
Sayounara
Ideally I need to finish all my coursework and get it all up to date, do all the chores I have to, practise some Japanese and redo my myspace!
So on a slightly depressing note, this week, I've felt kinda sad... there really is no other way to describe it.
I'm starting to realise, I'm not a people's person at the moment, people who I absolutely adore are starting to piss me off, and then someone from the group of people I trust entirely has betrayed me, I mean, I know I should trust them all when they say their expected "You know it wasn't me, you can trust me!" When the reality of this situation is I can't trust you because you may have betrayed me.
When you tell me something, I keep it a secret and it becomes one of my burdens, like in the bible where it talks about sharing yoke because someone else's is refreshing? I don't remember the exact part but it's in the new testament somewhere.
The point I'm trying to put through is that out of the few people I could trust, that's now sunk into an already lower number and I sometimes think, can I really trust anyone anymore?
The answer? Maybe it's a no, maybe it isn't... but I know that it is tiring to have to think about what I can and can't tell my friend... the majority of them lie to me, yet I don't lie to them.
So yes, people frustrate me, because they're just a cesspool of disappointment and lies, who am I to talk of this though, I let people down do I not? I don't go to school because I hate it and just being there makes my skin prickle with hatred and worry.
It's okay for my friends because I carry the brunt of all these contemptable attacks and the homophobic verbal assaults.
Sure the verbal hurts, it hurts more than anything in the world, yet so does physical, people tend to forget that not only do I recieve a heavy chunk of the psycological homophobia, I also recieve a majority of the physical.
This leads me onto body image, I think that I'd be lying if I said I was happy with my body, because I'm not at all, although I'm not going to go to extremes over it, I still have days when I disgust myself.
I'm far too thin, my face is too gaunt, I hate how my skin refuses to colour, I hate my hair, I hate my entire face.
I actually have days when I think, I actually look pretty good today, or wow I'm kinda getting big today!
Today however, I feel I'm too skinny, I don't think there's a bone on my body I can't see and I actually find it repulsive the way my wrist has a bone that juts out and the veins that're so clearly visiable.
It's all disgusting, to me, being this thin isn't attractive, yet despite my constant binging I don't gain weight, I'd rather be fat than thin.
Body image is strange...I often find myself looking at my scars, disturbed that I could do that to myself yet facinated, often gazing at them, feeling the texture, is this normal?
Is anything normal? How can I be disgusted by something such as self harm, yet the very next day do the object of my abhorrence?
I suppose this entry is turning into something quite personal, but I'll type a little longer...
Life is a vicious circle, a never-ending cycle, boring yet interesting, a constant paradox of the unacceptable and acceptable.
I think I've rambled on a little too much, so I'll nip it in the bud so-to-speak.
Ah, yes, I think I'll go do something more constructive and less theraputic now!
Sayounara
Wednesday 7 May 2008
Raburesu...amongst ramblings of a child (Y)
Okay, so recently I started reading "Loveless" by "Kouga Yun" and I have to say it's fantastic...
The plot lines are well thought out and the story runs at a very nice pace.
So here's a basic over-view in my own words:
Loveless (???? raburesu) is a shoujo manga by Kouga Yun, it's set in modern Japan and the overall plot revolves around a 12-year-old boy called Aoyagi Ritsuka and his thoughts and feelings about losing his brother Aoyagi Seimei and his personal feelings.
Basically it's a fantasy shounen-ai manga which according to wikipedia (which is quite true) is also mystery. ROFL!
So yeah, I said it's set in modern day Japan... except with a few twists!
1.) A wide number of the characters have tails and ears...
...This is common in shoujo manga and is known as kemonomimi which translates into animal ears...however, rather than just 'looking cute' which it does, it also serves an important purpose in the world of Raburesu...everyone who is a virgin has them, neat eh? Now you know who is a virgin or not :)
2.) The fighting teams!
The fighting scenes are important in Loveless...each fight consists of two teams of two people, a fighter and a sacrifice.
3.) Sacrifice...?
A sacrifice is a core member of the partnership and they 'own' their fighter and they themselves command their fighter and absorb the pain and injuries for the fighter.
4.) Fighter...?
A fighter is the person who deals the damage upon the sacrifice.
5.) Loveless contains paedophilia?
...No, it doesn't, but yes it does xD
Ritsuka is in Japanese 6th grade... meaning he's 12, Soubi is an art student in university meaning he's 20...although some would describe their relationship as 'sick' or 'disgusting' it clearly isn't, sure they kiss and Soubi says "I love you" I wouldn't say it's sick, although it obviously is a pederastic relationship, Ritsuka still owns his tail and ears! ^_^
But yeah. I love this manga way more that Nana...aaah and Ritsuka and Soubi are so perfect together... I'm almost positive they have a link together!!
Now...I'm out of things to say I suppose... so I'm gonna go and re-read Raburesu! -^_^-
The plot lines are well thought out and the story runs at a very nice pace.
So here's a basic over-view in my own words:
Loveless (???? raburesu) is a shoujo manga by Kouga Yun, it's set in modern Japan and the overall plot revolves around a 12-year-old boy called Aoyagi Ritsuka and his thoughts and feelings about losing his brother Aoyagi Seimei and his personal feelings.
Basically it's a fantasy shounen-ai manga which according to wikipedia (which is quite true) is also mystery. ROFL!
So yeah, I said it's set in modern day Japan... except with a few twists!
1.) A wide number of the characters have tails and ears...
...This is common in shoujo manga and is known as kemonomimi which translates into animal ears...however, rather than just 'looking cute' which it does, it also serves an important purpose in the world of Raburesu...everyone who is a virgin has them, neat eh? Now you know who is a virgin or not :)
2.) The fighting teams!
The fighting scenes are important in Loveless...each fight consists of two teams of two people, a fighter and a sacrifice.
3.) Sacrifice...?
A sacrifice is a core member of the partnership and they 'own' their fighter and they themselves command their fighter and absorb the pain and injuries for the fighter.
4.) Fighter...?
A fighter is the person who deals the damage upon the sacrifice.
5.) Loveless contains paedophilia?
...No, it doesn't, but yes it does xD
Ritsuka is in Japanese 6th grade... meaning he's 12, Soubi is an art student in university meaning he's 20...although some would describe their relationship as 'sick' or 'disgusting' it clearly isn't, sure they kiss and Soubi says "I love you" I wouldn't say it's sick, although it obviously is a pederastic relationship, Ritsuka still owns his tail and ears! ^_^
But yeah. I love this manga way more that Nana...aaah and Ritsuka and Soubi are so perfect together... I'm almost positive they have a link together!!
Now...I'm out of things to say I suppose... so I'm gonna go and re-read Raburesu! -^_^-
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