恋しがるよ

There's not enough time, to explain it.
There's not even enough words to describe it.

But, the pain I'm feeling, is it even really pain? I'm like a husk again.
I can feel it, pulling me down, dragging me, drowning me in misery.

The truth is, I don't even know the truth. All I know is that it's unbearable and all I'm doing is making everyone else unhappy.

I think, I think it's actually you who doesn't understand that I need to do well. Because, I do, and I'm failing myself once more.

I don't have the strength any more.

I either sleep, or I don't. My sleep isn't enough, no matter how much.
My waking life, existence is just filled with thoughts of you.

I can't cry, I can't break it, this incredible sadness, it's smothering me.
I want you to know how much I yearn for you, I want you to know how much I love you, I want you to know how much my heart is hurting.

My deep, ominous thoughts are increasing and all I want to do is curl up in a corner and sleep for eternity.
Sleep until there's no breathe left in me, sleep until the cities have crumbled into dust, sleep until the earth doesn't even exist.
Sleep forever, I never want to wake up.
Often, before I go to sleep, I pray so hard that I won't wake, I always do.

How much have I thought about taking so many pills, about bleeding to death.

I know I could never do that, so instead I cut, cut, cut.
Feeling too happy, cut to bring myself down.
Feeling so sad, cut to numb the grief.
Feeling anxious, cut to calm down.

I can't do this any longer.
I can't go on doing this, it hurts too much, emotionally.

My arms are shaded with scars that can only fade. Ugly silver and dark ominous lines.
I'm a mess, it's a mess.

I still can't stop, all I can do is loathe myself even more.

I'm a failure...

愛してる、
恋しがる、
あいたいよ。

今日うれしかった顔、今日の悲しかった顔
昨日癒された傷と今日深く開いた傷を
あなたなら誰に見せてる私なら誰に見せればいい。

Working Title

I have nothing to blog about, sadly, but...I shall ramble, because I'm good at that.

So, Ayumi's new song is nice, all autumn-y. :)

So I've started liking dance music! :O
I know!

Mainly because of Ayumi's remix CDs...she's started allowing western artists to fuck with her songs too. Possibility of her western début? It's high in my views, especially that she's currently conquering China. So has the Empress of 'Pop' set her eyes up on the sleeping dragon?

I think so! I think if BoA can achieve minimal sucess in the west, Ayumi definitely can.
So Gackt has returned to music too, I have to say I love Jesus, I'm a bit disappointed that the B-side is Sayonara, he could've at least picked a different song to use, although I guess it contrasts nicely, a ballad with a rock song.

But I did like how for Returner ~Yami no Shuuen~ he used a live version of Cube and birdcage, that was nice! :)
But hopefully he'll have an album out shortly!

I know that DAYS/GREEN is out shortly...I wonder whether Rurutia will be releasing anything soon as well.

Ah last night, I registered for Ayumi Hamasaki Sekai, basically a fan-forum, but it's going a bit slow, 'cause I'm new, I'm still under moderation for now.

So yeah, I'm wearing a silk tie at the minute 'cause I'm so cool!

But yeah, I've made myself a deal. If I complete pimsleurs Japanese I for the new year then I'll give my attention to Korean for a while then return to Japanese for spring. Then lend my summer to Mandarin and then my fall to Japanese.
So pretty much the next few years will be:
Winter = mainly Korean.
Spring = mainly Japanese
Summer = mainly Mandarin
Autumn = mainly Japanese.

So, I'll drop German, I don't really need it, it was just a folly to be honest. But I think Mandarin, Korean and French are really useful languages to be semi-fluent in. So obviously my main language will be Japanese.
But yeah, I'm also gonna start work after Chrismas on an artificial language.
I'm thinking of researching into Interlingua and Esperanto and other man-made languages to see how that was done, I aim for it to be basically a mixture of French, English and Japanese, this basically makes it pretty hard because French and English are similar, but Japanese is totally different. So that'll be fun.

But man-made language aside, I really need to crack into this graphics, which is sad...because damn it's hard.
But other than that, back in lessons PROPERLY after Christmas. That'll be...interesting.

Not long to go now, I shall crack down. I shall, I promise. :)

That's all I guess...CIAO! :)

New Layout yo

So, today I discovered Riah's pain of sleeping in. Today I woke up at 1:00 PM and immediately was like 'OH FUCK!!!' It was bed, yes.

So as you should hopefully have noticed, I have a new blog layout!

So now I'm going to get started on history, I might post it to here if I can be bothered and then maybe...I don't know really, I must get some graphics done too so I can see Keddy tomorrow, but yeah I really want Dir en grey's new album...because they're awesome.

But FUCK, I'm cold.

Oh and I have a cheque for £40 so that basically means "Christmas presents."

So, hopefully soon I can buy Laura and Dani's birthday present and Christmas present. Then I can also buy Hannah, Riah, Sarah, Mia and Kaiyla's present, but there's probably other people but I don't know...

God I hate Christmas, who else thinks the January Sales should be BEFORE Christmas!

And dude...I've been neglecting EVERYTHING recently.
So...I don't know.

Today's word is 'adulterate' ;)
As in, Riah adulterates everyone she meets.
Today's Japanese word is ほえる meaning 'to bark'
Erm, then..today's Japanese sentence is 次はどこへ行こうか 'Where shall we go next?'
Eeee... well I'm bored now so time to buckle down with my history!

Democracies Sucks, Give me a Communism Any Day.

Okay, so I've not done an über random blog for a long time!

だから、
I can't swim! Because swimming terrifies me, that's a slight phobia, I'm going to learn one day, because old men in trunks are hot.
I prefer buses to cars, they're slower, they're less safe but damn, I hate seatbelts.
I hate boats, what the fuck is the point of a boat? You'll never see me row, row, rowing my boat gently down the fucking stream.
In my opinion Hamasaki is fucking PERFECT, I've never seen someone so beautiful, she'll make someone a great bride, I'll cry when she gets married to Gackt.
I wish I could sing well because I'd sing my fuckin' heart out. Because singing is so beautiful, I need to pick up my guitar a lot more though.

That was random, I know, it'll get more random though.

I'm currently (at 6:59 PM) listening to A Song is born by Hamasaki herself, although, she originally sang this with her idol Keiko. Ayumi is my idol, LET ME PLAY GUITAR FOR YOU! No, your current guitarist is cute, I love how she turns to him to remember her lyrics.

I've decided if I'm sad, fuck you all, I shall be fucking sad.

I often muse why people ask gay people whether they want to be the opposite sex, it seems stupid to me, I'm a guy, I want to be with other guys.
People are ignorant, so why isn't anyone teaching ignorance?

In Nazi-Germany, we had to wear a pink triangle, isn't it ironic how we now display that with pride? Because of this I can understand why blacks sit at the back of American school buses.
Back then we were forced, now we have the choice to do so.

I like sprouting philosophically bullshit. Philosophy is a nice word, it comes from the Greek philosophia meaning a love of wisdom. Philo is friend. How nice!

To all who think Asians all look the same, it's true! Blacks look the same, Spanish people look the same. It's fine to think this, I could play a German in a film and totally rock it. Caucasians, Asians, Africans, they all look the same.

I read somewhere something incredibly true: "we say time heals, yet absence makes the heart grow fonder."
Which part of that paradox is true?

Paradox is a nice word from the Greek paradoxon meaning contrary to the expectation!

I really bum over etymology, it's the best thing in the world.
Well.
One of them!

I like Communism, it's a nice idea.
Democracy is evil, I really dislike it, but it's a sad fact of life, we shall never be equal!

I really want to teach. I really want to translate. I really want to do a lot of things.
I shall teach, I shall translate and I shall do a lot of neat things!

I don't like brand names, sure buy those £40 converse, I'll go to a sports shop and buy 4 of the same!
Brand names = quality, but do they really?

I buy clothes from Matalan, Primark, Asda and Tesco, because I'm so cool!
I really see no point in buying expensive clothing, it's just lameee!

I'm running out of things to say...so.

I don't get why people don't understand girls, they're not complex at all.
I don't get why people don't understand boys, they're not complex either.

I prefer cats to dogs.
I prefer coffee to tea.
I like malt drinks.
I like scotch eggs and slices.
I don't think porn is evil for someone in a relationship, I maintain that's stupid.
Porn is fine, some like it, some don't.

The truth generally is, the men and women in the porn interest earn a lot of money for just having sex! Wow.

I like yaoi and yuri. I don't really like hentai much. I don't mind graphic yaoi and yuri either. I'm very liberal.

I'm pro-choice, I'll never be a woman, I'll never make that decision, let the women choose.

Britain and the US aren't truly democracies.

I'm pro-gay adoption.
I'm pro-gay marriage.
I agree that transgendered people should be able to have their operation for free.
I think transvestism is amazing.

I think Martin Luther King Jr. and Rosa Parks are two of my new heroes.
I hate that a lot of black people today are racist, it kind of disrespects King and other's who fought so hard memories.

I'm not sexually attracted to black people so much, that's not racist either to be honest.
I really am sexually attracted to Asians, especially Thais.
Phwoar.

That's it, I've ran out of things to say, bye!

Bastardddddddddd!

Bastard.. I have a maths exam tomorrow, and I just can't concentrate.
I have to see Keddy tomorrow and I just can't concentrate.

My mind is wandering and I can't pin it down, I don't know, I just feel numb.

I don't really hate you, that was just a spur of the moment thing, you pissed me off..what did you expect?
In fact it's opposite, but you annoy me so much because of that. I still think you're baka though, 'cause you...really are insensitive.

But yeah, it sucks and my neck really hurts, I bet I have whiplash or something!
That'd be gutting.

I'm so tired all the time! It sucks.

Oh well. Bye!

Random! (Y)

I will probably blog much later today, but I just thought I'd randomly post here.
So, I've seen Miss Grierson and I'm going to go and see Keddy tomorrow, so that's okay, I still need to email my coursework to Maddison, but that can wait.

I've decided to give up on ICT, because it's useless...Oh well!
So I've also made a decision that I'm going to go into Graphics and Psychology BEFORE Christmas, then go into the other lessons after Christmas due to new topics and such, that's my decision as of now.

So today I'm going to do some maths revision first 2 then go to the revision session 3rd w/ Hannah, then yeah HISTORY! :D

I love history. ROFL.

But yeah that's my decision as of now. LOL.

Mindless Ramblings (Happy! :O)

Well, after the last blog was a failure...ROFL understatement...nah...idc :)
I bring good news! For once...:D

Okay so I'm still slightly insane..ROFL
But yeah, the letter for the referral came through a few days back..so the 'rents will be making me an appointment at some point.
Then I have an exam on Monday, literature...I'm NOT doing a science one, that's really good!

On Monday I'm gotta see Bradbury p. 5 & 6 for some reason...rofl I forgot!

Oh well, then I gotta track down Miss Grierson, anyone know who the hell she is? She'll be my step for getting me screened for dyscalculia (hopefully!)

Then, I know what I want to do in college...English language, history, French and maybe archaeology to stir things up! ;)

Okay, so that's all sorted. Anyway, period six today (this is my best part!) Mrs Hunter came in and started saying how Mr Kneissel(sp?) was telling her about my interest in Japan...and she was talking about if I was considering doing Japanese in university.

So I affirmed this.

So she went to a website which is in my email, I'm forgetful! And it was for Sheffield University...close..very close!
And she was going through the courses and I was all 'Well, I'm sort of waivering between doing history and Japanese...' and she was all ahh! You can do a joint course!
So I have with me a prospectus for Sheffield Uni, and a course that requires at least 3 A-levels at A/B/B.
One of them HAS to be a B in History.
And yeah!

4 year course.
3rd = year in Japan.

Excited? Yes!

My life now has a goal to work towards!

I'm really, really excited.

So yeah! Ganbaru yo!

Minna, ganbatte kudasai!

Good luck with exams everyone :D

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE :D

Very happy :P

That's all :)

YAY!

Yeah..idk..pissed off fuck it..

All right, first blog in a while and it'll be a downer, but that's okay, 'cause I have to say this publicly, because I feel people deserve to know, and deserve the opportunity to know why things have happened with me at the minute.

I wouldn't have said last year was good, but it's a lot better than this year has been...by far.
Before I go on, I think I should let you all know that, yes, I am being referred and my parents are making an appointment soon and.. it makes me sad certain people who I think should care, couldn't care less.

I'm not gonna mention names...'cause even if I did they'd be all 'no! Not me!'
But it's fine, they've left school, they've moved on, I can accept that, I think...

But, I don't think I can accept it fully, no, I don't think I can.

My self-esteem has gone up and down in the past month and my emotions have been up and down too...
The fact is I miss you, I miss the old you.

The new you is sarcastic, cold and cruel in all honesty.

When school ended for you, I stopped going to school...not because I was throwing my life away, because I didn't care about my life.
I was a husk...and I was hurting...and I couldn't cope, even now, I can't cope.

I was cutting a lot, deep too...sometimes I still cut even though I'm trying to curb it. You've both cut, I know that for a fact...so obviously you know what I went through with it and what I'm still going through.
You're past that to my knowledge and I'm glad you are...but when I went to one of you with it...all you suggested was... I get help...you weren't willing to help, you weren't prepared to help.
So all you did, was suggest I go to someone outside and get help from there.
Don't try and think you helped, because you didn't at all, you just brushed it under the carpet and pretended it was fine. But it wasn't fine, it's not fine and it never will be.
I'm getting help...but it hurts your two best friends won't help. Thank you for that...you know what I mean.

Then through summer it all went from bad to worse...my cutting got worse...my lifestyle got worse...my thoughts deteriorated.
And all the while, one of you, to my knowledge, was getting holier-than-thou about me and called me a recluse.
Maybe I was being hermetic...but to know someone you considered a sister..looked up to...respected..considered a hero was bitching about me...not even to my face..that was cold..and it fucking hurt.

This isn't a lecture, but I don't think I've fully explored what happened. I have a right to, don't you think?

Yeah...so, I considered you to be like a sister, both of you...and I don't care if you think I'm whining now, because maybe I am.
But I loved you both, and I respected you both, and I tried my HARDEST to be there, for you both.
But you turned your backs on me, when I needed you the most.

34 John Street, Thurnscoe, Rotherham, South Yorkshire, S63 0LT.
Sweet_Sacrifice93@yahoo.co.uk
Jyoeru-Kun@live.co.uk

You both knew that and more.
I can't believe either of you can try and tell me you tried to get in touch with me...I'm not stupid...at all even if you both think I am...this was the time I needed you the MOST.
And you think you had the right to judge me for latching onto the only people I felt I could?!
I'd tried my hardest to be there for you...tried not to lecture you...tried not to judge you...tried my hardest...I mean that honestly...and you both couldn't give a fuck about my emotions all you did was lecture me when you could.

'You need to go to school' &c.
Yeah, I do need to go to school...but I needed my friends!
I needed YOU TWO.
BOTH OF YOU.

Where the fuck were you?! Because you clearly weren't helping me.
Now I'm getting help for myself...not for you.

You've not had to deal with all my lows...you've not dealt with my tears this time...so I guess you're glad. But it hurts to think you said I was like your little brother...that obviously was lies...
Because not even friends desert each other...even when I wanted everyone to leave me alone...few people actually stuck by me ready to forgive me..even if I don't deserve it...and it's stupid of me, but I half expected you two to be there for me and show me you were really my best friends...

And...for the record..the people who DID stick by me would be Laura, Maria, Nat, Sarah, Riah...of course there's others...but it's sad that you two aren't among them...because.. I really honestly did consider you both to be my best friends, my big sisters, my heroes...I can even remember every happy memory... and each one fractures my heart even more...cause...you really don't give a fuck.
And yeah..I'm hurt...but you've let me down..and the worst thing is...neither of you see it..