Hisashiburi ne? :D

I'm feeling quite melancholy, I don't know for sure, it's a sense of dread, the feeling that hits the pit of your stomach like a ton of bricks.
I'm currently in the middle of a side project, which will be probably neglected for many months. The project is a fanfic inspired by the Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer.

So probably if you don't like her books, you won't like my style of writing, I write similar to her, except more amateur, did I mention I don't have a BA in English? (lol.)

So yeah, I'm almost finished with graphics, I suck, I have days to do it, I'll ask Lucy.
I'll write and draw 'till my fingers BLEED. Haha.

So, I've been reading the Twilight Saga, it's pretty damn good!

So, yeah, today I'm going to go straight to town after school, 'cause I rock.
I'm not sure whether I'll tell my parents yet, but seeing as I'll be out 'till late, probably, I suppose I should mention it.

Ah well.

So, yeah, I need to get ready soon, so that like, I'll have time to nip down to the shop, lol.

I actually have to check my email! I've been leaving it off for a little, I guess I can reply at school (hurray for Googlemail being liked by school!)

There's not really much point to this blog. My Japanese is bad, so's my Korean and Mandarin!

My current favourite song is HANABI by Ayumi Hamasaki.
So, go listen.

But yeah, better get ready!

Au revoir.
~Joel.

恋しがるよ

There's not enough time, to explain it.
There's not even enough words to describe it.

But, the pain I'm feeling, is it even really pain? I'm like a husk again.
I can feel it, pulling me down, dragging me, drowning me in misery.

The truth is, I don't even know the truth. All I know is that it's unbearable and all I'm doing is making everyone else unhappy.

I think, I think it's actually you who doesn't understand that I need to do well. Because, I do, and I'm failing myself once more.

I don't have the strength any more.

I either sleep, or I don't. My sleep isn't enough, no matter how much.
My waking life, existence is just filled with thoughts of you.

I can't cry, I can't break it, this incredible sadness, it's smothering me.
I want you to know how much I yearn for you, I want you to know how much I love you, I want you to know how much my heart is hurting.

My deep, ominous thoughts are increasing and all I want to do is curl up in a corner and sleep for eternity.
Sleep until there's no breathe left in me, sleep until the cities have crumbled into dust, sleep until the earth doesn't even exist.
Sleep forever, I never want to wake up.
Often, before I go to sleep, I pray so hard that I won't wake, I always do.

How much have I thought about taking so many pills, about bleeding to death.

I know I could never do that, so instead I cut, cut, cut.
Feeling too happy, cut to bring myself down.
Feeling so sad, cut to numb the grief.
Feeling anxious, cut to calm down.

I can't do this any longer.
I can't go on doing this, it hurts too much, emotionally.

My arms are shaded with scars that can only fade. Ugly silver and dark ominous lines.
I'm a mess, it's a mess.

I still can't stop, all I can do is loathe myself even more.

I'm a failure...

愛してる、
恋しがる、
あいたいよ。

今日うれしかった顔、今日の悲しかった顔
昨日癒された傷と今日深く開いた傷を
あなたなら誰に見せてる私なら誰に見せればいい。

Working Title

I have nothing to blog about, sadly, but...I shall ramble, because I'm good at that.

So, Ayumi's new song is nice, all autumn-y. :)

So I've started liking dance music! :O
I know!

Mainly because of Ayumi's remix CDs...she's started allowing western artists to fuck with her songs too. Possibility of her western début? It's high in my views, especially that she's currently conquering China. So has the Empress of 'Pop' set her eyes up on the sleeping dragon?

I think so! I think if BoA can achieve minimal sucess in the west, Ayumi definitely can.
So Gackt has returned to music too, I have to say I love Jesus, I'm a bit disappointed that the B-side is Sayonara, he could've at least picked a different song to use, although I guess it contrasts nicely, a ballad with a rock song.

But I did like how for Returner ~Yami no Shuuen~ he used a live version of Cube and birdcage, that was nice! :)
But hopefully he'll have an album out shortly!

I know that DAYS/GREEN is out shortly...I wonder whether Rurutia will be releasing anything soon as well.

Ah last night, I registered for Ayumi Hamasaki Sekai, basically a fan-forum, but it's going a bit slow, 'cause I'm new, I'm still under moderation for now.

So yeah, I'm wearing a silk tie at the minute 'cause I'm so cool!

But yeah, I've made myself a deal. If I complete pimsleurs Japanese I for the new year then I'll give my attention to Korean for a while then return to Japanese for spring. Then lend my summer to Mandarin and then my fall to Japanese.
So pretty much the next few years will be:
Winter = mainly Korean.
Spring = mainly Japanese
Summer = mainly Mandarin
Autumn = mainly Japanese.

So, I'll drop German, I don't really need it, it was just a folly to be honest. But I think Mandarin, Korean and French are really useful languages to be semi-fluent in. So obviously my main language will be Japanese.
But yeah, I'm also gonna start work after Chrismas on an artificial language.
I'm thinking of researching into Interlingua and Esperanto and other man-made languages to see how that was done, I aim for it to be basically a mixture of French, English and Japanese, this basically makes it pretty hard because French and English are similar, but Japanese is totally different. So that'll be fun.

But man-made language aside, I really need to crack into this graphics, which is sad...because damn it's hard.
But other than that, back in lessons PROPERLY after Christmas. That'll be...interesting.

Not long to go now, I shall crack down. I shall, I promise. :)

That's all I guess...CIAO! :)

New Layout yo

So, today I discovered Riah's pain of sleeping in. Today I woke up at 1:00 PM and immediately was like 'OH FUCK!!!' It was bed, yes.

So as you should hopefully have noticed, I have a new blog layout!

So now I'm going to get started on history, I might post it to here if I can be bothered and then maybe...I don't know really, I must get some graphics done too so I can see Keddy tomorrow, but yeah I really want Dir en grey's new album...because they're awesome.

But FUCK, I'm cold.

Oh and I have a cheque for £40 so that basically means "Christmas presents."

So, hopefully soon I can buy Laura and Dani's birthday present and Christmas present. Then I can also buy Hannah, Riah, Sarah, Mia and Kaiyla's present, but there's probably other people but I don't know...

God I hate Christmas, who else thinks the January Sales should be BEFORE Christmas!

And dude...I've been neglecting EVERYTHING recently.
So...I don't know.

Today's word is 'adulterate' ;)
As in, Riah adulterates everyone she meets.
Today's Japanese word is ほえる meaning 'to bark'
Erm, then..today's Japanese sentence is 次はどこへ行こうか 'Where shall we go next?'
Eeee... well I'm bored now so time to buckle down with my history!

Democracies Sucks, Give me a Communism Any Day.

Okay, so I've not done an über random blog for a long time!

だから、
I can't swim! Because swimming terrifies me, that's a slight phobia, I'm going to learn one day, because old men in trunks are hot.
I prefer buses to cars, they're slower, they're less safe but damn, I hate seatbelts.
I hate boats, what the fuck is the point of a boat? You'll never see me row, row, rowing my boat gently down the fucking stream.
In my opinion Hamasaki is fucking PERFECT, I've never seen someone so beautiful, she'll make someone a great bride, I'll cry when she gets married to Gackt.
I wish I could sing well because I'd sing my fuckin' heart out. Because singing is so beautiful, I need to pick up my guitar a lot more though.

That was random, I know, it'll get more random though.

I'm currently (at 6:59 PM) listening to A Song is born by Hamasaki herself, although, she originally sang this with her idol Keiko. Ayumi is my idol, LET ME PLAY GUITAR FOR YOU! No, your current guitarist is cute, I love how she turns to him to remember her lyrics.

I've decided if I'm sad, fuck you all, I shall be fucking sad.

I often muse why people ask gay people whether they want to be the opposite sex, it seems stupid to me, I'm a guy, I want to be with other guys.
People are ignorant, so why isn't anyone teaching ignorance?

In Nazi-Germany, we had to wear a pink triangle, isn't it ironic how we now display that with pride? Because of this I can understand why blacks sit at the back of American school buses.
Back then we were forced, now we have the choice to do so.

I like sprouting philosophically bullshit. Philosophy is a nice word, it comes from the Greek philosophia meaning a love of wisdom. Philo is friend. How nice!

To all who think Asians all look the same, it's true! Blacks look the same, Spanish people look the same. It's fine to think this, I could play a German in a film and totally rock it. Caucasians, Asians, Africans, they all look the same.

I read somewhere something incredibly true: "we say time heals, yet absence makes the heart grow fonder."
Which part of that paradox is true?

Paradox is a nice word from the Greek paradoxon meaning contrary to the expectation!

I really bum over etymology, it's the best thing in the world.
Well.
One of them!

I like Communism, it's a nice idea.
Democracy is evil, I really dislike it, but it's a sad fact of life, we shall never be equal!

I really want to teach. I really want to translate. I really want to do a lot of things.
I shall teach, I shall translate and I shall do a lot of neat things!

I don't like brand names, sure buy those £40 converse, I'll go to a sports shop and buy 4 of the same!
Brand names = quality, but do they really?

I buy clothes from Matalan, Primark, Asda and Tesco, because I'm so cool!
I really see no point in buying expensive clothing, it's just lameee!

I'm running out of things to say...so.

I don't get why people don't understand girls, they're not complex at all.
I don't get why people don't understand boys, they're not complex either.

I prefer cats to dogs.
I prefer coffee to tea.
I like malt drinks.
I like scotch eggs and slices.
I don't think porn is evil for someone in a relationship, I maintain that's stupid.
Porn is fine, some like it, some don't.

The truth generally is, the men and women in the porn interest earn a lot of money for just having sex! Wow.

I like yaoi and yuri. I don't really like hentai much. I don't mind graphic yaoi and yuri either. I'm very liberal.

I'm pro-choice, I'll never be a woman, I'll never make that decision, let the women choose.

Britain and the US aren't truly democracies.

I'm pro-gay adoption.
I'm pro-gay marriage.
I agree that transgendered people should be able to have their operation for free.
I think transvestism is amazing.

I think Martin Luther King Jr. and Rosa Parks are two of my new heroes.
I hate that a lot of black people today are racist, it kind of disrespects King and other's who fought so hard memories.

I'm not sexually attracted to black people so much, that's not racist either to be honest.
I really am sexually attracted to Asians, especially Thais.
Phwoar.

That's it, I've ran out of things to say, bye!

Bastardddddddddd!

Bastard.. I have a maths exam tomorrow, and I just can't concentrate.
I have to see Keddy tomorrow and I just can't concentrate.

My mind is wandering and I can't pin it down, I don't know, I just feel numb.

I don't really hate you, that was just a spur of the moment thing, you pissed me off..what did you expect?
In fact it's opposite, but you annoy me so much because of that. I still think you're baka though, 'cause you...really are insensitive.

But yeah, it sucks and my neck really hurts, I bet I have whiplash or something!
That'd be gutting.

I'm so tired all the time! It sucks.

Oh well. Bye!

Random! (Y)

I will probably blog much later today, but I just thought I'd randomly post here.
So, I've seen Miss Grierson and I'm going to go and see Keddy tomorrow, so that's okay, I still need to email my coursework to Maddison, but that can wait.

I've decided to give up on ICT, because it's useless...Oh well!
So I've also made a decision that I'm going to go into Graphics and Psychology BEFORE Christmas, then go into the other lessons after Christmas due to new topics and such, that's my decision as of now.

So today I'm going to do some maths revision first 2 then go to the revision session 3rd w/ Hannah, then yeah HISTORY! :D

I love history. ROFL.

But yeah that's my decision as of now. LOL.

Mindless Ramblings (Happy! :O)

Well, after the last blog was a failure...ROFL understatement...nah...idc :)
I bring good news! For once...:D

Okay so I'm still slightly insane..ROFL
But yeah, the letter for the referral came through a few days back..so the 'rents will be making me an appointment at some point.
Then I have an exam on Monday, literature...I'm NOT doing a science one, that's really good!

On Monday I'm gotta see Bradbury p. 5 & 6 for some reason...rofl I forgot!

Oh well, then I gotta track down Miss Grierson, anyone know who the hell she is? She'll be my step for getting me screened for dyscalculia (hopefully!)

Then, I know what I want to do in college...English language, history, French and maybe archaeology to stir things up! ;)

Okay, so that's all sorted. Anyway, period six today (this is my best part!) Mrs Hunter came in and started saying how Mr Kneissel(sp?) was telling her about my interest in Japan...and she was talking about if I was considering doing Japanese in university.

So I affirmed this.

So she went to a website which is in my email, I'm forgetful! And it was for Sheffield University...close..very close!
And she was going through the courses and I was all 'Well, I'm sort of waivering between doing history and Japanese...' and she was all ahh! You can do a joint course!
So I have with me a prospectus for Sheffield Uni, and a course that requires at least 3 A-levels at A/B/B.
One of them HAS to be a B in History.
And yeah!

4 year course.
3rd = year in Japan.

Excited? Yes!

My life now has a goal to work towards!

I'm really, really excited.

So yeah! Ganbaru yo!

Minna, ganbatte kudasai!

Good luck with exams everyone :D

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE :D

Very happy :P

That's all :)

YAY!

Yeah..idk..pissed off fuck it..

All right, first blog in a while and it'll be a downer, but that's okay, 'cause I have to say this publicly, because I feel people deserve to know, and deserve the opportunity to know why things have happened with me at the minute.

I wouldn't have said last year was good, but it's a lot better than this year has been...by far.
Before I go on, I think I should let you all know that, yes, I am being referred and my parents are making an appointment soon and.. it makes me sad certain people who I think should care, couldn't care less.

I'm not gonna mention names...'cause even if I did they'd be all 'no! Not me!'
But it's fine, they've left school, they've moved on, I can accept that, I think...

But, I don't think I can accept it fully, no, I don't think I can.

My self-esteem has gone up and down in the past month and my emotions have been up and down too...
The fact is I miss you, I miss the old you.

The new you is sarcastic, cold and cruel in all honesty.

When school ended for you, I stopped going to school...not because I was throwing my life away, because I didn't care about my life.
I was a husk...and I was hurting...and I couldn't cope, even now, I can't cope.

I was cutting a lot, deep too...sometimes I still cut even though I'm trying to curb it. You've both cut, I know that for a fact...so obviously you know what I went through with it and what I'm still going through.
You're past that to my knowledge and I'm glad you are...but when I went to one of you with it...all you suggested was... I get help...you weren't willing to help, you weren't prepared to help.
So all you did, was suggest I go to someone outside and get help from there.
Don't try and think you helped, because you didn't at all, you just brushed it under the carpet and pretended it was fine. But it wasn't fine, it's not fine and it never will be.
I'm getting help...but it hurts your two best friends won't help. Thank you for that...you know what I mean.

Then through summer it all went from bad to worse...my cutting got worse...my lifestyle got worse...my thoughts deteriorated.
And all the while, one of you, to my knowledge, was getting holier-than-thou about me and called me a recluse.
Maybe I was being hermetic...but to know someone you considered a sister..looked up to...respected..considered a hero was bitching about me...not even to my face..that was cold..and it fucking hurt.

This isn't a lecture, but I don't think I've fully explored what happened. I have a right to, don't you think?

Yeah...so, I considered you to be like a sister, both of you...and I don't care if you think I'm whining now, because maybe I am.
But I loved you both, and I respected you both, and I tried my HARDEST to be there, for you both.
But you turned your backs on me, when I needed you the most.

34 John Street, Thurnscoe, Rotherham, South Yorkshire, S63 0LT.
Sweet_Sacrifice93@yahoo.co.uk
Jyoeru-Kun@live.co.uk

You both knew that and more.
I can't believe either of you can try and tell me you tried to get in touch with me...I'm not stupid...at all even if you both think I am...this was the time I needed you the MOST.
And you think you had the right to judge me for latching onto the only people I felt I could?!
I'd tried my hardest to be there for you...tried not to lecture you...tried not to judge you...tried my hardest...I mean that honestly...and you both couldn't give a fuck about my emotions all you did was lecture me when you could.

'You need to go to school' &c.
Yeah, I do need to go to school...but I needed my friends!
I needed YOU TWO.
BOTH OF YOU.

Where the fuck were you?! Because you clearly weren't helping me.
Now I'm getting help for myself...not for you.

You've not had to deal with all my lows...you've not dealt with my tears this time...so I guess you're glad. But it hurts to think you said I was like your little brother...that obviously was lies...
Because not even friends desert each other...even when I wanted everyone to leave me alone...few people actually stuck by me ready to forgive me..even if I don't deserve it...and it's stupid of me, but I half expected you two to be there for me and show me you were really my best friends...

And...for the record..the people who DID stick by me would be Laura, Maria, Nat, Sarah, Riah...of course there's others...but it's sad that you two aren't among them...because.. I really honestly did consider you both to be my best friends, my big sisters, my heroes...I can even remember every happy memory... and each one fractures my heart even more...cause...you really don't give a fuck.
And yeah..I'm hurt...but you've let me down..and the worst thing is...neither of you see it..

Lots of unfinished!

Figured I should blog, 'cause it's fucking freezing .

But yeah looking down my blog, it's like...UNFINISHED, FINISH LATER...and so on. Knowing I will never finish them, I should delete them, probably won't though.

Oh well! :D

But yeah! I'm fucking cold, the heating is on, whoa winter is coming!

I'm already getting bored. Lol.

But yeah, slightly less cold :D after explaining DIV layouts (H)

mmmhm yeah so school sucks, but it's good to get back into the fray lol, coincidently I should probably be doing coursework..oh well :D

But yeah :D

Peace love cookies and I can't be fucked.. ROFL LOVE :D

OH YEAH! Check out GLASS SKIN - Dir en grey :D

to be finished.

So...not blogged for a long, long while. But I'll probably rely on blogging way more nowadays.
It's kinda upsetting when..someone you've liked for a good while..(5 years this year..lol) turns round and basically says 'yeah I do wanna see what it's like' then 3 weeks later tells you to fuck off cause you don't understand.

Which if it hasn't hurt me it's pissed me off...why do people think that I don't understand what it is to do well? I understand that more than a lot of people to be honest. I've fucked up, so isn't doing well important? I wanna teach so I have to do well. I wanna teach abroad so I have to do extra-well.

Oh man. Whatever. Sleep! Sleep is amazing, but lately I just don't seem to be getting enough of it. I mean, all I wanna do is sleep, it's all that occupies my mind, when I get home from school today, I wanna just sleep and sleep and sleep.
I don't really know what went wrong! I used to never sleep, not feel the consequences...now I never sleep and even when I sleep I'm sluggish and withdrawn.

Last night I had at least a basic outline about what I was gonna put, but now I'm not so sure. Bah. I'll finish it after school. lol

Politics

Social politics are undoubtedly the most important aspect of life, sure you can gloss over and say it's not important, but it plays a vital role in my life.
If someone smiled at me, I'd be obliged to smile back.
If I bumped into someone, I apologise when it's not my fault.
I try to keep a conversation flowing by being random, but it's not working too well.
Of course, think of me as fake, but I'm not actually fake. If you think about it deeply, you'll notice it's impossible to treat everyone the same way, that's just common sense.

This past year has been the worst, unmatched. But my life is crawling up slowly, so slow in fact it's dragging. But if you think about it, my life isn't so bad. I have parents who love me, a sister who is there for me and a brother who cares (in his own way), I also have good friends and other stuff.
But you could ask, what has this to do with social politics! Well...a lot actually, for too long, I've tried to be a good person, and failed miserably. A lot of my friends now, i.e. people I'm close with, in a fashion are all my friends due to these politics.
The people who I care about and shower my time on I care about. You can usually know I care about you by the amount of time I spend on you. There's some of you who I'd be with all day if I could.

But yeah so this year I've messed up, but I'm dedicated to making amends. I'm not the sort of person to break down and apologise to people, I can't do that, but I will always try and return the kindness of people.
A lot of people seem to think that I'm not a kind person, when if I look at myself...I'm not really unkind. I am selfish, I admit, but I am kind too.

As everyone knows, I'm not the most grounded person, I get low easily, quickly and often. When I'm happy, I'm ecstatic. When I'm sad I range from sombre to...well, I won't get into that. At the minute, I'm pretty sombre, I can laugh and joke when in this mood, I can be slightly happy in this mood too, which is a paradox in itself, but I don't pretend to be simple.

The world, sadly, isn't an ideal place. An ideal place for me would be somewhere idyllic, quiet, mountainous land where only people I like are alive...nice :)
ROFL
But this isn't my ideal world, there's no guarantee that anyone I fall in love with will love me back, I'm always gonna have ups and downs, I know this, I just gotta control the downs...lol ah that was a bitter realisation, sorry for the abundance of emoness!

Peace! x

aaaaa

Wish me luck? :D

Ganbaru yo!

Dude, okay here goes ROFL

*IN-TE-NS-E*

I'll blog later!

明日は九月だよ！:(

Whoa, so summer has gone fast this year.

So I was thinking last night and I've decided that the year starts again on Thursday (04/09/08). More on that later though.

So Friday/Saturday was fun, went to Maria's to aid them in making a mess of the living room. :)
Well, we watched Most Haunted which was pretty hilarious, Yvette was constantly 'Did you hear that "AAH"?' and she was constantly hearing strange noises, mainly knocking, whistling and "ahh" noises.
It was pretty weird, Yvette is pretty much a fraud. She went from making things on Blue Peter, to making sounds on Most Haunted, do you see a connection here? :D
So towards the end of Most Haunted I begun a theological argument with Mark (those are the best). :D
But yeah, that was pretty cool, I seriously do take after dad the way I can talk and talk.
So then we decided to make videos of us just jumping into pillows and quilts (because we're cool that way!) So I might upload those later.
Seriously, halfway through I did a flip and my back cracked (niiiiice).

Then after that I like fell asleep for like two minutes...whoa. o.O

Then we randomly went on a walk, then woke Misa up. :D
Dude, we're cool kids. ;)

So, moving on from that, I totally have an obsession with LUNA SEA (particularly RA-SE-N and Rosier).

Well, I WAS gonna talk about school now, but I've just thought, fuck it! I'll blog later about that!

PS. keep on the look out for some new poems, about 3/4.

Poems (Y) Part II

Here's the second I wrote today.

Sat inside a willow tree
Bending in the wind
Branches twisting, winding to the sky

A stark comparison to our way of life
Rigid, towering like a silhouette of pines

'Grow this way, not that way'
Surrounded by wires
To guide us up to God

One path to follow
No where to grow
Struck by lightning
Up in flames

No room to bend,
Only to break
Trapped in a shape
That's solitary and right

Much unlike the graceful willow
Sculptured down below
Branches break
Then they heal

Struck by Jove's arrows
They aren't hurt
Bending ever upwards
Slowly into heaven

Sure it took a while
Of course there were mistakes

Room for change
Patience from growth
Unlike the stubborn pine --
Ever zealous; no mistakes

And thus the weeping willow
Mourns the pine unto this day.

Poems (Y) Part I

Okay, so I have two poems, I'll go in chronological order, so they aren't *perfect* but they'll do for now.

With the first beads of blood,
The first broken skin,
Like a sinister requiem entwined in sin,

Caught in the midst of a lethal masquerade
A release from the anguish of putting on this façade

How many times, have I played this game?
Of spiritual torture, my answer still the same
This unnatural addiction
A sole communication to the man who isn't there
Full on the outside, so everyone can stare

Living like a shadow, held in repugnance
Like a demon in its stance
Liar and a fake,
Crying for pity, lying through my teeth

I seethe words of "Pay me no attention --
Not even like you care."

Naught but malediction flows through these malignant veins
Pouncing like a lion, preying like a wraith
Only just a bane

Flowing out a river of crimson
A lake jealousy
A pond of pain

Moving back into the midst
Like a ripper of self-pain.

Man

What a depressing morning.

It's fucking freezing, wet and grey.

I'm also in a pretty bad mood today, siblings suck sometimes.

So today once my mother has gone to work, it'll just be me and dad in the house so it'll be quiet to a certain level.

But I'm in two minds whether or not to:
1.) Go back to bed (I've had 12 hours sleep, too much again).
2.) Or have a bath then get some hot chocolate at regular intervals.

But actually, I've just realised it's more probable I just sit here complaining to my blog.

I also might just laze about on OE... I dunno I can't be bothered today.

And my stomach just informed me he needs feeding. Damn, I don't normally have breakfast but I think I should make an exception.

So a few things I think I should mention.

Today's word is 'tittle-tattle' which is a noun referring to either idle chit-chat or a gossip. Fun!

Today's Japanese word is すくむ which is a verb meaning to cower/crouch/shrink/draw back.

But yeah, new postsecrets tomorrow :)

~じゃまたね

Poeeem

Okay, so I apologise in advance for the enormity of the emoiness.

It doesn't have a title, but it's mine, it's copyrighted, TO ME ;)

So .. here goes (it may be worth noting this isn't how I currently feel, and this is my first original poem for about a year.):

With the first beads of blood, the first broken skin,
Like a sinister requiem entwined in sin,
Caught in the midst of a lethal masquerade,
A release from the anguish of putting on this façade,

How many times have I played this game?
Of spiritual torment, my life answer still the same,
This unnatural addiction --
A sole communication to the man who isn't there,
For everyone else to stare,

Living like a shadow held in repugnance,
Like a demon in its stance,

Liar and a fake, crying for pity,
Lying through my teeth,
"Pay me no attention,
It's not even like you care", I seethe,

Naught but malediction flows --
Through these malignant veins,
Pouncing like a lion,
Preying like a wraith,
All I am -- a bane.

Yessums.. that's my latest poem (sucks I know), but yeah I did write this in like an hour of anguish and pain and torment and all those other poetic feelings ;)

But ahuh, like I say, it's copyrighted to me, so yeah :)

...So ahuh there's nothing much to say other than a few things that have happened today.

Erm.. so I'm home-alone for a while today, but I'm so~ tired, I can barely keep my eyes open.

Also, I had some angel's delight recently and it's given me a sore throat! :(

My current favourites with music are:

Song: Jane - Tsuchiya Anna
Band: Nightwish
Guitarist: Miyavi & Emmpu
Singer: Tarja Turunen
Solo Artist: Ayumi Hamasaki


...so yeah.. erm.. not much to add...so I dunno, I may blog later depending on my mood.

Oh, before I forget... a few shoutout, cause I'm cool this way.

Sarah:
Okay, Sarah is my soulmate and BFF, she likes Nightwish, I like Nightwish, she likes Inuyasha, I do too, she thinks I should rape people, I think I should also, LOVEYA BFF let's go shopping soon ^_~

Riah:
Stay awesome :]

Nat:
I fuuhkin love you, bitch =D

nah that's seriously.. I'm seriously tired so I'll go to sleep...maybe.

Ja, oyasumi yo!

Joeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel ^_^ ~

Hardly Fair...

This is hardly fair, is it?

My mum and sister expect me to stay off the internet during the day because 'I'm on all night', the reason WHY I'm on all night is because I CAN'T get on during the day.

My mum is always making out she's the victim in everything, when she isn't, she twists my words and calls me a liar.

It's quite unfair actually.

The only four people I regularly see are Sarah, Riah, Siobhaun and Cierra.

And as great as they are, I still have other friends... like friends closer to home I NEVER see.

My mum goes on about how she has friends she talks to everyday on Facebook, what about me? What about MY friends I NEVER see?

I'm basically depressed constantly cause I can't vent, they won't LET me vent.

I can't talk to them no matter what they say, do they care? No.

They think that me being online all night is through my choice, it isn't.

So my mum has friends on facebook, I have friends that I can't even ARRANGE to meet up with because I can't get online during the day to see them, I can't text them cause I haven't got credit on my phone and she complains if I ask for her credit.

She's basically crippling my social life because she has to be on facebook during the day.

She's pathetic.

And I hope she DOES see the feed on my facebook, and I hope she DOES click it, and I hope she DOES read this.

I mean... I can't talk to the people I need to, the ones I've not seen in ages because they don't want me to come online, cause they're SO much important than me.

I'm fucking sick of her...

Like in the last two weeks, I've been able to get online about 3 times during the day, but even then they've complained.

She goes on about Mafia Wars like is so fucking important.

It's a game, whereas, my happiness isn't a game, she's my MOTHER she should care about my happiness.. you'd think, anyway.

Basically she dislikes who I am, and for things I can't help.

I swear, what does she expect when she's always swearing.

I'm nasty to her, what does she expect when she doesn't give me the time of day.

I can only get through to her when I argue, and even then she shouts me down and doesn't listen.

So much for her facade of "You can talk to me about anything" FUCK YOU, you only say that so I'll stop cutting, so you won't feel guilty, so it won't look bad on YOUR parenting.

I cut because I'm UNHAPPY, do you care?! NO!

I can't even have an opinion because it would make God unhappy...well Mum, you and I, we both obviously serve different Gods.

And then you always go on about not having favourites...you fucking do, why lie?!

Matthew and Lucy are your favourites, because they're nothing like the Cartwrights you DESPISE.

You hate me, you hate my dad, you hate MY family, because they are my family, nothing to do with you and your perfect kids.

I mean.. if you weren't gonna be ready for me, if you weren't gonna accept me without having to lie to yourself.

You shouldn't have even had me, seriously.

So yeah. Bye, now I'll let you have YOUR way, again.

I sincerely hope you read this, because then you'll know the truth, undoubtedly I know you'll twist it, like you ALWAYS do, because there's no point in lying, you'll kick up a massive fuss and say you do care and you do everything for me.

But in the end, you don't have the time of day for me, you're too content in your own life to care about me.

Infact I don't think you have any maternal instinct over me, you love Matthew, you love Lucy, you hate me, you've said this numerous occasions, to my face, to other family members, to other people.

I'm sorry I can't be your PERFECT idea of a son.

I'm sorry I can't be straight, and nice and clean cut and as amazing as Matthew.

I know I'm not as good-looking as Matthew and I know you'll never love me as equally as Matthew, so don't bother trying anymore.

Just don't bother anymore.

I'm past caring about anything.

Things that Scare the Fuck Out of Me

Okay, so I were just reading something on Chinese history, it was basically a synopsis on Chinese history and it's weird China is terrifying.

So I'm gonna make a list of things that scare me and why, random I know :)

1.) The People's Republic of China

• They have dying rooms, which of course China deny, basically a dying room is a room in the back of Chinese orphanage where mentally ill and handicapped children are left to die, they aren't fed, watered or given any attention, they're just left to die, alone.

• It's perfectly normal in the PRC to just disappear, and if you make a statement going against how amazing the government is, you can pretty much expect to be disappearing into nihility pretty soon.

• Do you know what happened on the 4th June? Everyone should, unless of course you're Chinese, in which case it never happened. In China the incidents of the 4th June is pretty taboo about as taboo as cracking jokes on rape, necrophilia and paedophilia over the table at a formal gathering. Well, if you don't know, on 4th June, 1989 students and other people of knowledge decided to gather and protest. Big mistake, according to China's official records only 200 people died, and although there's no way of knowing exactly, the numbers are probably more like 2000-3000.

• There's a massive firewall in China, what this means is: anything that China disagrees with, or allows the Chinese a fraction of autonomy is blocked, yes sites like Flickr, Myspace, Facebook and YouTube are blocked by the Chinese Government. Also websites from outside China such as Google China, Yahoo China etc have promised to conform, i.e. not show any undesirable results.

2.) Moths

• Random, I know, but they're so DISGUSTING, completely... I DID upload a photo of one, but the feelings of nausea overcame me, just google moth, they're fucking nasty.

3.) Human Immunodeficiency Virus & Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome

• Firstly, if you don't know what either of these are, you're stupid, incredibly stupid.

• There's something terrifying about these maybe it's because it's killing an estimated 2.1 million people and over 33.2 million people already are living with it.
  

• So, there's treatments out there to slow down the disease, but still it's of little comfort considering there's no vaccine or cure. Sure you can have all the safe-sex you want but not many people take into consideration that they can also get it from breastmilk or blood, so all it takes would be one slip up... I mean I know I randomly bleed all the time so how hard must it be to make sure you don't bleed at all?

• Ignorant people also don't help, people who believe that HIV and AIDS doesn't exist, or those who believe it's a divine punishment, Nelson Mandela, he's regarded as a hero, yet he denies this disease exists. Ignorance is a grave danger and one of the reasons diseases like HIV spread is due to ignorance, the majority of deaths regarding this are in the sub-Saharan region of Africa, why? Because they're ignorant, not through their own fault of course, but because charities are corrupt they don't get the help they need, treatments to make living with HIV & AIDS are expensive and not everyone can afford them.

4.) Eating Disorders

• I've actually put in a considerable amount of research into eating disorders, mainly Anorexia Nervosa (as opposed to anorexia meaning something completely different to Anorexia Nervosa) and Bulimia Nervosa.

• People credit eating disorders as being 'attention seeking' and maybe they are, I don't know, what I do know is that they're serious, they're mental disorders and are mortiferous.

• Only 1/3 of people with Anorexia Nervosa receive mental care, with only 6% of bulimics receiving mental care.

• Anorexia Nervosa has the highest premature fatality rate of any other mental illness.

Illness Prevalence Research Funds
Eating Disorders 10 million £6,000,000
Alzheimer's Disease 4.5 million £323,500,000
Schizophrenia 2.2 million £175,000,000

(Source: Cerulean Butterfly)

Randomness ;D

Okay so I have no idea what to blog about...

So I dunno ;D

I really wanna start a translation project but I'm not sure if I can be arsed with learning loadsa kanji atm

Ah well

So erm I really wanna find some DECENT L'Arc~en~Ciel translations but no luck as of yet!

Ah well.

So at the minute I'm having trouble finding time to study Japanese cause I can only get online these days at night so I'm tired before I even start, this is mainly because my family are inconsiderate.

Damn it

So today's Japanese phrase is

「席に着く」

Or "Seki ni tsuku" meaning "Take my seat"

Grammar is seki = seat and tsuku = to take or to sit down
Ni is a particle indicating direction or destination of an action.

And apparently today's word is SUKI... I already know this, no point in spending anymore time on it :P

So yeah anyway.

There's nothing really much to say xD

So yeah anyway I'd like to say I'm doing well! Two blogs in the space of 2 days ;D

Ja~ matane!

Random Blog (Y)

Whoa so these past two weeks have been strange, I'm glad this week is over though lol.

So last week the computer broke because it wasn't mended properly to be honest.

The fan was put in backwards so the computer was reaching temperatures of over 100°C, the graphics card wasn't working (we knew this already) and some other problems.

I swear technology hates me!

But anyway, me and Spam went on a walk on the Thursday before last, we did have a plan, but we got totally lost so we didn't fulfil them but it was a lot of fun anyway (I'll have to upload the photos soon).

Then after that I got my haircut which in my opinion, it looks quite hot lol.

I uploaded photos of it so go look and comment! I'll return ;D

Erm... then the computer died AGAIN because of a fucking virus!

KUSO! XD

But everything with the computer is fine now, I hope.

So erm, I've just spent about an hour sorting out ScribeFire so I can blog more and easier too.

Damn it's fine now though...

By the way if any of you have a facebook feel free to add me!

The link for my facebook is:

http://www.new.facebook.com/profile.php?id=754503227

So please add or create an account because despite what idiot teens think it truly is better than myspace!

So yeah I think I've covered pretty much everything.

Although I'd like to add I pretty much bum over We The Kings at the minute, so check them out:

Why My Taste in Music Kicks Arse, Supremely :D

Okay...So those who know me should agree, they don't, my music taste...fucking rocks :D

From Gackt's Pop

to Arch Enemy's metal

And then you can go from Linkin Park:

To Otep's nu-metal

So yeah.. I love everything...like I can't resist OLIVIA's...hyperosity?

And Anna Tsuchiya's like... faux-punk ;)

BUMP OF CHICKEN's pop-rock

I love the well-known pioneers of certain genres:

And the relatively unknown of others;

But yeah.. I love everrrrrrything :D

So you should like.. bow

and worship me

...now :)

Angst Ridden Stupidity

Okay.. so this is from earlier in the morning and I'll probably continue from then

"Okay so I'm in be at the minute listening to~ X Japan (08:03 AM) and I dunno I feel awful, so I'll document my day of spitting bile.
So.. I've made some pretty fucking stupid, pathetic even, choices. Now without careful consideration, of course, because you can't screw up your live on a whim, God forbid.

But y'know, it's kinda stupid how melancholic I feel..it really is.
I have no idea... I'm a fucking hypocrite.

Lately, I've been having the usual urges of idiocy I have and one day it's like
FUCK IT! So.. needless to say I gave into the temptation. So.. I'm in emotional, mental, and to a certain extent, physical anguish, through no one's fault but my own.

I dunno, I can't believe how hebitudious I am at the moment! I don't even how it happened! Hontou ore wa baka dayo~.

And recently I have been off it... but like it only makes everything worse, makes me more sluggish, makes me dull, uncaring, stupid, foolish. It doesn't.. it doesn't make me happy, it just makes me feel sullen...

So, this summer I'll have hardly any spare time, what-so-ever because after this week I'm working towards graduating...I've squandered by time enough and absconded from life enough as well...
Sure the school does absolutely fuck all about their major bullying and homophobia issues within it, but the teachers who do actually care -- I'm sorry for letting those down.
It kinda makes me sad that if I succeed with my plans, I'm gonna have a serious lack of friends, but, at the end of the day I'd rather go to Doncaster than have anymore of my time in Barnsley.

I've even finally decided what I'll study: English literature; English language; history; and either French or German.

So, this is the last week of my fucking idiocy, I'm gonna get my head down, study for school, study Japanese, study for the JPLT... work my arse off for the rest of my time as a secondary school kid...

I won't let my feelings, health or issues cripple me.

At the end of the day, it's just like my mum says; your friends won't always be there for you.
I know, it's true that I'll try and keep in contact... but I can't promise, my promises are often saccharine in their nature... but I'm human, a bad one at that, I break them too many times.
People who know me...they should know that I can't keep promises, people who tell me to promise them, they're just setting themselves up, I'm unreliable.

I'm quite the pessimist, it's easy to be optimistic about the lives of others'. But with your own you've gotta be fucking ruthless.
I'm not a social boy, never have been. So maybe a word to decribe me could be recluse -- fuck it, yes, I am a recluse.
I don't wanna do drugs, or get pissed, or go to parties. I don't like shopping, I'm not ready for sex, I don't want to get a fucking blow job or even give one, I'm not like that, I really aren't, when I talk about sex, it's usually in jest.

I love my friends.

I hate myself.

I'm disappointed in how I've turned out so far, I'm tainted by things, turned into a fucking calamity. I have no sense of my own identity.
I used to be a nice boy...polite, according to my family; I've changed -- the worst thing is, I HAVE changed, I can see it myself, I'm comtemptible, cruel and the worst is, I know I am, I can't do anything about it, it's like I've been caught up in a whirlpool of change and I've become some bitter, selfish cunt.

It's no wonder that my parents don't love me, see me as they used to, because in a way I've failed them, like I fail everyone else, I've let not only them down, but myself.

I really am the worst at times.

I've lost my values, morals and self respect because I thought I was in fucking love.
Yeah...it's not like I've lost my virginity, but still...

I can't even -- I dunno.

I wasn't in love back then, not with him anyway.
It's been almost 4 years and my feelings have fluctuated, God, maybe it's just there because he was my first friend from that school...Surely that could be it? We've argued, mainly because of my cruelty, yet still.. I really like him...how does that make sense?

My conscience is fucked.

I really -- I really don't like being gay.
Being gay is a part of me I can't changed, or at least, to my knowledge I can't change, it's a major flaw in me, according to society, psychology, religion, my mum, my-fucking-self.

I guess whoever is reading is probably thinking "What the fuck is this kid? He's a fucking loser".
That'd probably right.

It's so STUPID my lifestyle and my beliefs contradict so much, I'm like.. I dunno, it's almost like putting a fucking bottle of alkaline in with a vat of acid...but even then.. it's a problem.
Have you ever seen lithium in water? It's quite like that.. there's a reaction between H²O and Li.. and the lithium just goes beserk and starts exploding.
So yes.. my lifestyle is the water; my beliefs are the lithium.

All I can do in my current state is pray...and my prayers will just fall on deaf ears, because that's what I deserve.
Like I DESERVE anything in return when all I've done is made mistake after mistake.
My pointless, stupid blasphemy.

Pathetic.

I don't deserve salvation what-so-ever. I know this, there are millions of people who're more worthy of something like that.

It's pointless even trying.

I don't care, I can't help myself out of this rut by any other way other than coping.
It's unfortunate but it's true.

It's stupid though... I'm despised...slightly unfairly, but I don't think my attitude helps.

I've had my nose broken twice through no fault of my own... and my cheekbone fractured for the same reasons.

I think it's fucking unfair, and I love how school, where they happened takes NO responsibility.

It makes me SO angry that people can get away with homophobic attacks...it's not my fault I'm gay...I don't even want that...I've always been gay.. I think, I know I've definitely liked guys more than girls, and I have liked girls at some point.

I wish I could.

Is it so weird that I don't wanna party and screw people that I won't even remember about.
I don't wanna fuck everyone who's unfortunate enough to be with me.
Doesn't that cheapen sex?

I can't understand people who shag everyone they're with...

It's hypocritical.. you wouldn't do that to someone you loved, because to fuck them without being with them for a good length of time is stupid..it's meaningless.

Sex, it's a pointless activity.

I don't want a fucking blow job.

I don't wanna fuck anyone at the moment.

I want a serious relationship.

I don't wanna waste my fucking virginity.

It's pathetic, sick, stupid.

I can't do that, why is it that no one wants relationships and they're just content with promiscuity?

It's pointless.

I can't act on lust, because lust doesn't last, people shouldn't just act on feelings that are fleeting.

Another thing that gets to me is, why are people with people they can't trust?
If you love someone, you should trust them, care about them...relationships can't last on sex and arguments.

I've said it before, I wanna be in an adult relationship not just sex... infact I don't want sex for a good while, I don't want a relationship that's just emphemeral.

I suppose... I've always been this way, I've always wanted to settle down, even at an early age...

A wife, kids...I wanted that, deep down I still do.

But a wife? I can't have that.

Why do schools fill children with false hope, what happened to the "you can do anything you want when you grow up" lie?

So yeah.

I'm a myriad of angst.

Poem! =]

All right, so I recently wrote a poem... and like Gemma reckoned I should post it on myspace... so here we go:

Kimono
By Joel Cartwright

Long ago:
They fluttered around Gion like flowers in the breeze,
The long furisode of the maiko once scraped along the ground,
The hanamachi were odorous with the smell of sakura incense,
All this beauty, hidden behind the fragile veil of flowers,
The mysterious world, covered in secrets not to comprehend.

Who could have foresaw, the tragedy that befell this peaceful life?
The crumble and decay of this delicate existence,
The panic and furore that was caused in this intimate land,
The tragedy exposing the thousand year old antiquity
And at this point, things were never the same again

Legends of the East, brought back to the West
Never understood, not meant to be questioned

Now the furisode and elegant kimono are legends of the past
The Gion hanamachi full of urban promise, full of ghostly past
A long-lived veil, snatched from the ephemeral times

What could the island of the East do, but bow to the West?
Embracing change like the fleeting transition of winter into spring
This is the culture of the Geisha, the mystery of Japan
Rare but not eradicated
Seen but only misunderstood

The hanamachi of today, still weave this sacred world
More steadily and carefully, as the veil grows thinner still
Waiting 'till the day the Noh mask finally breaks

Sucks, I know... but what the hell :)

Hmmm.. IDK XD

So, it's been a good while since I last blogged and in reality, I've learnt quite a lot about myself.
I used to think I could trust all of my friends, yet I now know for fact that no matter how many times you tell me that I can trust you, I know that I can't.
There is possibly four people at most I know for fact I can trust, and even then, they have their own problems.
So to be totally honest, I feel quite lonely. But yeah, what can ye do eh?

Rofl, so in happier news, it seems that Bunraku's filming is going quite well so that's good. I honestly think that GACKT will begin touring Europe after filming and recording of the film, his new album is over.
Then afterwards S.K.I.N. will hopefully begin their world tour.
I hope so anyway, because that would literally make my decade.

So also my Japanese is coming along pretty well, and I'm getting used to the ~tai verb ending...and my Kanji is gaining in numbers.
All is good rofl.

So, back to the more personal aspect of things; family is driving me mad shounen-trouble, but what can you do about that.
When all you can think about 24/7 are stuff like 'aishiteru', 'daisuki da yo', 'omae o hoshii da' and 'itai' and then they're all... 'ah, you've gotta be out of your mind'.
Well, let me tell you, it FEELS like I'm slowly going insane...
Yeah, it actually SUCKS so bad.
Yet, no one fully understands, not that I expect them to, rofl.

And next we have work experience, everyone on Wednesday seemed nice which was pretty much unexpected, I'm gonna miss ore no tomodachi to koibito though.

Ah well, nothing else I don't think S_S

Sithi
~Jyoeru-kun x

COLD! GR! XD

Okay, so today, I'm gonna do loads, accomplish a lot!
Ideally I need to finish all my coursework and get it all up to date, do all the chores I have to, practise some Japanese and redo my myspace!

So on a slightly depressing note, this week, I've felt kinda sad... there really is no other way to describe it.
I'm starting to realise, I'm not a people's person at the moment, people who I absolutely adore are starting to piss me off, and then someone from the group of people I trust entirely has betrayed me, I mean, I know I should trust them all when they say their expected "You know it wasn't me, you can trust me!" When the reality of this situation is I can't trust you because you may have betrayed me.

When you tell me something, I keep it a secret and it becomes one of my burdens, like in the bible where it talks about sharing yoke because someone else's is refreshing? I don't remember the exact part but it's in the new testament somewhere.
The point I'm trying to put through is that out of the few people I could trust, that's now sunk into an already lower number and I sometimes think, can I really trust anyone anymore?

The answer? Maybe it's a no, maybe it isn't... but I know that it is tiring to have to think about what I can and can't tell my friend... the majority of them lie to me, yet I don't lie to them.

So yes, people frustrate me, because they're just a cesspool of disappointment and lies, who am I to talk of this though, I let people down do I not? I don't go to school because I hate it and just being there makes my skin prickle with hatred and worry.
It's okay for my friends because I carry the brunt of all these contemptable attacks and the homophobic verbal assaults.

Sure the verbal hurts, it hurts more than anything in the world, yet so does physical, people tend to forget that not only do I recieve a heavy chunk of the psycological homophobia, I also recieve a majority of the physical.

This leads me onto body image, I think that I'd be lying if I said I was happy with my body, because I'm not at all, although I'm not going to go to extremes over it, I still have days when I disgust myself.

I'm far too thin, my face is too gaunt, I hate how my skin refuses to colour, I hate my hair, I hate my entire face.
I actually have days when I think, I actually look pretty good today, or wow I'm kinda getting big today!

Today however, I feel I'm too skinny, I don't think there's a bone on my body I can't see and I actually find it repulsive the way my wrist has a bone that juts out and the veins that're so clearly visiable.
It's all disgusting, to me, being this thin isn't attractive, yet despite my constant binging I don't gain weight, I'd rather be fat than thin.

Body image is strange...I often find myself looking at my scars, disturbed that I could do that to myself yet facinated, often gazing at them, feeling the texture, is this normal?
Is anything normal? How can I be disgusted by something such as self harm, yet the very next day do the object of my abhorrence?

I suppose this entry is turning into something quite personal, but I'll type a little longer...

Life is a vicious circle, a never-ending cycle, boring yet interesting, a constant paradox of the unacceptable and acceptable.

I think I've rambled on a little too much, so I'll nip it in the bud so-to-speak.

Ah, yes, I think I'll go do something more constructive and less theraputic now!

Sayounara

Raburesu...amongst ramblings of a child (Y)

Okay, so recently I started reading "Loveless" by "Kouga Yun" and I have to say it's fantastic...
The plot lines are well thought out and the story runs at a very nice pace.
So here's a basic over-view in my own words:
Loveless (???? raburesu) is a shoujo manga by Kouga Yun, it's set in modern Japan and the overall plot revolves around a 12-year-old boy called Aoyagi Ritsuka and his thoughts and feelings about losing his brother Aoyagi Seimei and his personal feelings.
Basically it's a fantasy shounen-ai manga which according to wikipedia (which is quite true) is also mystery. ROFL!

So yeah, I said it's set in modern day Japan... except with a few twists!

1.) A wide number of the characters have tails and ears...
...This is common in shoujo manga and is known as kemonomimi which translates into animal ears...however, rather than just 'looking cute' which it does, it also serves an important purpose in the world of Raburesu...everyone who is a virgin has them, neat eh? Now you know who is a virgin or not :)

2.) The fighting teams!
The fighting scenes are important in Loveless...each fight consists of two teams of two people, a fighter and a sacrifice.

3.) Sacrifice...?
A sacrifice is a core member of the partnership and they 'own' their fighter and they themselves command their fighter and absorb the pain and injuries for the fighter.

4.) Fighter...?
A fighter is the person who deals the damage upon the sacrifice.

5.) Loveless contains paedophilia?
...No, it doesn't, but yes it does xD
Ritsuka is in Japanese 6th grade... meaning he's 12, Soubi is an art student in university meaning he's 20...although some would describe their relationship as 'sick' or 'disgusting' it clearly isn't, sure they kiss and Soubi says "I love you" I wouldn't say it's sick, although it obviously is a pederastic relationship, Ritsuka still owns his tail and ears! ^_^

But yeah. I love this manga way more that Nana...aaah and Ritsuka and Soubi are so perfect together... I'm almost positive they have a link together!!

Now...I'm out of things to say I suppose... so I'm gonna go and re-read Raburesu! -^_^-

Pfft more of my joyous voice!

Out of utter boredom


http://www.zshare.net/audio/9367842eb2fd9d/

that link leads to my voice :)

Here’s a transcript of what I’m saying, seeing as people tend not to know what I’m saying...

"Er, hi, well I’m like, bored and it’s early in the morning.
So...I’ve decided I’m gonna like, read a poem to ye.
Basically, the poem is called Dulce Et Decorum Est and it’s by Wilfred Owen...
Who was a famous...er... war poet from the first world war...
And reyt... here goes:

’Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of tired, outstripped Five-Nines that dropped behind.

Gas! GAS! Quick, boys! -- An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
And flound’ring like a man in fire or lime . . .
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light,
As under I green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil’s sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues, --
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.’

So, er yeah, I kinda screwed up a few minutes then, so yeah, er oh well..
There’s nowt much left to say..so yeah bye"

Foulstone can go FUCK!

Foulstone is a utter BASTARD!
They know full well they have a bullying issue, so what do they do?!

Fuck all is the answer! I mean, in the past 6 months, me and my friends have been CONSTANTLY plagiarised by dick heads because we’re a different sexuality!

Yet whenever we go to the school, they constantly do FUCK ALL

It’s really pissing me off because, does the school not realise that bullying is a serious issue, and frankly they are NOT gonna step in until someone either gets killed or kills themselves, and that’s the way it is.

They constantly pussyfoot around people who claim to be getting bullied when it’s them who do the bullying and then do absolutely nothing about the real problem, which can be plainly seen.

I mean, when Mrs. Sokell talked to me, all she suggested was that we stop meeting up after and before school, well my answer is NO!

WHY THE FUCK SHOULD ME AND MY FRIENDS HAVE TO SACRIFICE JUST BECAUSE THE SCHOOL IS DOING ABSOLUTELY FUCK ALL ABOUT THE SAFETY OF US!

I FUCKING HATE IT

Seriously, I’m not playing by the rules any more :)

Goodbye civility :)

Video for Nat ^_^

enjoy my spazzyness ^_^;

Gutted :'(

Okay so, I've heard some pretty bad news I know for fact now, I didn't believe the rumours... I almost didn't believe it when he, himself said it...
I want to refuse to believe this :.. I really do, but how can I dispute something he himself has said?

Yeah so you might be think what I've heard and I also know that you're gonna like "so what" but seriously, this is devastating :..
In a recent interview with Tokyo Headline, Gackt said that he's retiring in 2010 which is in just 2 years...
I know you're thinking who cares, but the simple answer is I care, you might call it an obsession, call it whatever the fuck you like.
But seriously, I LOVE this man more that anyone ever, he's the most amazing person in the world, he's deep, intelligent, famous and rich but always modest...
I've listen to each and every single song he's produced, I can honestly say I ADORE them all.
This man saved my life, and to hear he's gonna retire, is pretty heartbreaking in all honesty :..

Gackt, is the most amazing person I know, and I don't even know him, it seems stupid but I know it's not.
An extract from the interview (Translated by Chikotori so I don't get sued..rofl):

"Before I reach that, I will move forwards. I like to sing and I really want to continue making things that will give a push to everyone's backs, but I do not have the confidence to continue doing what I have always done until I die.

Even now I'm barely able to do it (laugh). I can continue with this style for another 3, 4 years; that's why it's 2010. After that, if I feel that I can do it, I will. If I feel that I
can't, I will get down from the stage. For now, I will continue moving forwards."

I get what he means though, I mean, after every concert he faints, I understand if he does retire, but I dunno, maybe I'm being selfish?
I don't want him to quit, I'd love it if he could make music until he dies, but 2010.. he's never done a proper international concert, I've always wanted him to come to the UK, I've always wanted him to be adored in the UK as he is in Japan..Fuck, I'm even prepared to go to the continent to see him play live, it'd be worth it because of Gackt.
So yeah, I love him and would NEVER want him to quit, but if I get to see him live, in person, then he can quit and I'd be happy...seeing my idol in flesh..

I know that hardly anyone understands why I love him, how I can love him, ect.

He's not perfect, but in my eyes he is, I know hardly any fact about him, but what I've seen, what we've been allowed to know, I love...his voice is so calming, and his songs can make me happy, they can make me hyper and they can make me cry as well.
Seriously this man saved my life, of course he didn't do it personally, but he saved my life through his music, even though I still have emotional wounds, HIS music healed them slightly, and continue to do so...
When I say I love him, people think I love him in the aspect I love Mike, but it's NOTHING like that, I assure you, the love I feel for Gackt and the love I feel for Mike are completely different, Mike hurt me so much, Gackt nursed this pain, the love is completely unadulterated, I mean, I love his imagine, I love his body, but I'd never want to have sex with him, no matter what I say, because I know he's straight and I respect that...he's about the only straight man I respect...
I love him so fucking much it sometimes hurts, but I dunno...
I dunno if you understand this...but when I listen to his songs, I feel secure, and almost at peace...
He writes his lyrics with his ENTIRE soul, which is possibly one of the most beautiful aspects of his music...
With the music I like, I don't necessarily care whether people like it or not, but Gackt is different, I would DIE for him, after all he saved my life...

So there you have it, my idol, my inspiration, my lifesaver, my love, my 'obsession' is retiring in barely 2 years.

I didn't expect you to read all that BTW, but thanks if you did... :..

Raz, dra, tri!

Okay, so I've not blogged since the 8th November LAST year...
Oh my God, it's been a long time da?

So yeah, much time has passed and lots of things have happened, I REALLY can't be arsed to blog everything at the moment, but in short, stuff is fucked up :)

Some people are gonna read that and think "Oh my God, he's talking shit again!" But seriously, life is really fucked up for me at the minute, trying not to sound like an attention seeker at the minute is hard...

But yeah, since I last blogged, I've been outed by my brother, had 2 boyfriends, fell into depression and been smacked twice, and since whenever I last blogged, life for me has had it's ups and downs...

So, yeah I'll start at the start da?

Okay. So, one Thursday, I fell in love (not the proper love, just the average teen stuff, I realise that now!) with Sharky, so the next day he broke up with his girlfriend and asked me out, the very same day I got outed, the entire school now know I'm gay.
I was really happy when I was with James, but still a little insecure, yeah I knew that him and Mike has history and I was okay with that, but seriously I was REALLY insecure, this was my first gay relationship and things were kinda hard, but yeah a week later he left me, and naturally I was devastated, especially when he got a girlfriend the same day he left me, now I know how Jaye must've felt...
A few days after, Mike said something to me which really got me thinking, in all honesty, I've like Mike for a LONG time, since the back end of year 9 and that's a long time for me and those who know me will agree...
So yeah he said this and when I told Spam, she told me not to get involved...I took her advice, because I knew he was fucked up, and yeah I was fucked up too...
Anyway, at the end of that week, he asked me out :D
I immediately said yes, I was really happy..so yeah, while I was going out with Mike, I fell really deeply in love with him...
...He didn't feel the same...and the next week he broke up with me...so yeah, after he broke up with me, he asked me to go to his house on Sunday, being the naive person I am, I said yes,
We got back together and then broke up again the next day.

I know he was messing me about, and I was actually really hurt, but I wasn't prepared to give up on him, but I just ended up getting hurt again.
So I can't remember exactly when it happened, but I started self-harming again...and I was doing well to hide it...
Er, a lot more stuff happened but ofc I can't remember everything anymore...so anyway Mike came through to Thurnscoe, I kissed him, told him I loved him, and he said some stuff, and I believed every word he said to me...

Later on I got tipsy, and being tipsy, I picked up on stuff I wouldn't have normally picked up on, like the fact he was talking to Ellen like constantly, but refused to talk to me, I was actually pretty upset, so I staggered off up the hill..
After that Abbey came after me and I started crying (Which is REALLY odd for me, cause I've NEVER cried infront of people before), so yeah, I fucked up with Mike..again.
After that, I just stopped caring, so that night I cut really deep and then took a load of sleeping tablets..not enough to kill me ofc, but enough...

I don't even KNOW why I'm saying this, cause it doesn't really matter cause it's in the past. Anyway, after my mum found out, she put me on anti-depressants and I fell out with Stef and Hannah... and I was pretty much sick of EVERYTHING...

The anti-depressants started working, they weren't exactly making me happy, but just stabilising me enough so that I was 'okay' nothing more, nothing less just 'okay'.

That's what they're STILL doing, but during half term I stopped taking them, and then I started cutting again...(sorry I didn't tell you, but this way now I won't have to explain myself...)
But yeah, I've not cut since Wednesday... (Y)

Anyway, the Monday 'fore half term, Kyle Turner hit me (Y) and broke my nose, so yeah, my mum also told the police and school that I'm on anti-depressants.
I dunno how many people know this, but I pretty much have bipolar, it's not as bad as my mum's though (it runs in my family).

But aye, at the minute, I really don't know what to think.
Y'see there's this really cute boy I really like, and then there's Mike who I STILL love.
I dunno what to do though, cause up until recently I thought that I'd moved on from Mike, but now I've started thinking about him, and dreaming about him again and it's absolutely fucking driving me insane...
I really like this boy, and I don't wanna use him to get over Mike, and that's how I think it's gonna feel.

I want to hate him so much
But I can't seem to manage it.

Yeah anyway in addition to this, my mum is on the verge of having another nervous break-down, I think my dad is having a nervous break-down as well...
So if either of them do have one, then things are gonna be pretty bad, cause if one breaks down, the other one will as well...

My mum told me that she's been unable to sleep and that when she does sleep she's having nightmares and she doesn't know whether it'll be me or Matthew who tops themselves first..(which is comforting)
And she's scared I'm gonna get smacked again.

My dad is behaving really odd, he's forgetting things constantly and being really subdued and he's fallen into himself a helluva lot, like he was making a cup of tea, then went upstairs, told me he was going to the top, went for a smoke then went to sleep...
It's really odd... and I'm pretty much scared cause if either of my parents have a breakdown, I'm so scared...
And my mum keeps overdosing...

Then there's dick-heads at school making their mouth about me and it's pretty much started to crack me, and it's not sort of making me feel down, but just angry, so I take it out on myself and walls and stuff...

Also Matthew is a fucking CUNT, he's constantly doing stuff to piss people off, and he's absolutely FUCKED that bedroom, a short list:
1.) He's stripped the walls completely to the plaster
2.) He's taken off all the skirting
3.) He's smashed the light switch and plug sockets
4.) he's broken the light
5.) there's like 5 different floorboards smashed in
6.) he's broken about 6 cups

Seriously though, it's starting to really FUCK ME OFF
Like the other day he was going on about this jumper he'd misplaced and was trying to make out I'd had it
and he said to my mum "That fucking bastard's had it, cause there was pink around the collar that's why he's fucking taken it!" and I was like
"What the fuck" so I got really angry, punched the wall (my hand went straight through), stormed out of the house for about an hour, so I got grounded...
Not like it's fucking working!

Agh! I'm actually so pissed off with most things..

But yeah, Arches tomorrow (Y)
I hope he comes :D

So yeah. Peace out, and thanks for reading if you read it all...

(For all your knowledge, I started this blog at like 11:50...